Journals [j.b]

Recovery

Now that I'm back around you, nothing else really matters.

Justin

Just like the first time our break up ruins me. I don't see the daylight for days and I drink through the nights. The only time I leave the house is to go drink somewhere else or leaving a hotel where I spent the night with some random girl. It's just an ongoing cycle of missary.

1 month after the break up

One day I decide that it's been long enough and that I should stop feeling like crap. So I do what I've done so many times before. I grab a paper and a pen and start writing down what I feel. At first it's just stupid things like i can't live without her and she makes me complete. But soon enough I start adding some guitar to it and I start thinking that maybe this could be something. I haven't written a new song in a while but in no time I have a full song that I name Heartbreaker. I spend some time perfecting it before I take it to the studio and record it. Scooter agrees that it's a good song and when I'm done I start with the next one.

The song writing keeps my mind off Blaze for days even though I'm writing about her. I try to remember all the fights we've had and all the stupid reasons for them. I write them down and turn them into songs. I release three of my new songs together with my acoustic album called Yellow Raincoat, I would and Nothing Like Us. The first one is about the media and how they've been all too close lately. Ever since they heard about our break up they haven't left me alone.

The second song, I would, is a happier version of how I felt that morning on the ballcony when Blaze looked so small and fragile. How helpless I felt because I couldn't make her smile. But in the song I twisted the truth a little. I don't want the whole world to know exactly how I felt.

The last song is probably the most personal one. At first I didn't want to put it on the album but Scooter convinced me. It's about the last few months and how we've grown apart. It's about what I want to tell her but can't really get out other than in a song. It sounds so much better than if I were to give her a voicemail or a letter. This is a way of telling her without making it seem like I want her back. She is better off without me and if I just leave her alone I know we'll both move on and that's what's best.

But the song writing doesn't always keep her out of my mind. I still drink and party to stop thinking about her. Strippers and random girls. They're nothing compared to her but I need them to forget her, even just for a few hours.

6 weeks after the break up

I'm slowly getting better. I haven't see Blaze for weeks and maybe that's why I start feeling better. Slowly all the reminders of her start to fade since she's no longer there to keep them alive. I still miss her, alot, but she deserves to be happy with someone else and I understand that more and more for each day.

2 months after the break up

My tv is on but I don't pay any attention to it, it's mostly for background noise. Instead I give all my attention to the blank paper I have in front of me. I'm stuck on one song, or the beginning of a song, I've only got a few lines.

You don't know what they're like

You taught me how to dream and how to love

You're my best friend please listen too me

That's all I've got. Three sentences but I don't know how to keep writing. All I know is that I wanted to protect her from the rest of the world. Suddenly I remember something she said that day in LA, I feel like I'm from another planet or something and you can't show me to the world.