[INCOMPLETE] Letters To A Dead Man || Taekook FF || English

Letter #1

Dear Jungkook,

Fuck, I don't know what to do anymore. There's so much pain, even more than when I had found out that you'd run away from the orphanage all those years ago. Man, I still remember all of that stuff from before... I know you spent our marriage trying to forget everything, but I knew it was so hard for you. I would always hold you in my arms after we tucked the kids away in bed to stop the night terrors.

I miss you a lot, you know? It's been three days since I received the news and I haven't slept at all. I haven't eaten, slept, all I've done in these three days was cry. My throat hurts from all I've lost. All I've ever had just slipped away from me in a matter of years.

Twenty years of marriage. Twenty. I never thought, when this all started, that we would last that long. To be honest, I was so afraid. I was scared that we would end up like one of those couples that fell apart because of whatever. I was afraid. So afraid.

I know, I sound like a coward, right? Like a paranoid little bitch who can't get over these things. You've been through so much, Jungkook. My fears don't compare to those that you once had. I have no reason to feel this way, but it hurts so fucking much. You don't even understand... how much I loved you. How much I still love you.

What can I do? I'm hopeless without you here. We were supposed to make it. Grow old together. Raise a family until they had children and their children had children. So we could say, "We made it," even though the past had been tough. We could've showed everyone that we made it through everything. All the adversity, everything.

I can't even bring myself to talk to the kids. They keep knocking on my door and asking if I'm alright, and all I can do is sob into my pillow. I know, Jungkook. They're grown. Mellodi's... in college. Gun is starting high school, and Hana's well on her way into year five. But little Jihyun, he's been struck with the most grief, being the youngest of the family. To believe, he's only six and he's already lost one parent.

All of our kids, Jungkook, somehow they remind me of you. Gun and Jihyun especially. Those where the two boys we adopted, remember? The ones that we promised to take care of when their biological parents gave them up. We were the ones who loved them more. We loved. We loved a lot.

Now what? Here I am, with four kids under my household and I have nobody else. I've tried to reach out and talk to someone. Believe me, I have. But all I can think of when I pick up the phone is you. You haunt my thoughts. You tear me apart. You can't be. This can't be happening. I refuse to believe it. We were going strong. We were going to make it.

Why am I doing this? This is too much for me to handle, I know it is. It reminds me of the old days, of how we first met. Remember that first letter I sent to you? The one that held all of my hatred for the poor and so on?

Jungkook, somehow, all of that hatred transformed into love. I write this letter out of nothing but love. I still love you, even when you're not here with me anymore.

You didn't deserve this. We still had plenty of years left in us. Why did it have to be you? It should have been me! I was the one whose life should have been cut short, not yours! After all you've been through, how could God have let this happen? How could anyone have let this happen to you? Oh god, Jungkook. I let it happen.

I did this to you.

It's my fault you're dead.

I could've done something. I could've saved you. I could've been the one to make sure that you were safe on that day. I should've told you, "No, Jungkook, don't go on that trip. I'm worried something will happen to you."

I should've said that! Why am I such a fucking idiot?! My heart hurts like crazy knowing I could've done something to prevent all this pain! All this suffering! My family...

Our family...

What if it falls apart, now that you're gone? You know I can't do this alone, Jungkook!

Why did you leave me? Leave me with four kids to raise on my own? I can't do it, Jungkook. You'd always been the fatherly figure to them. Me? I didn't do shit. I can't even get my arse off this bed to comfort the kids.

Fuck, I...

I'm so sorry, Jungkook.

I did this to you.

What... have I done?

Yours forever,

Kim Taehyung