[INCOMPLETE] Letters To A Dead Man || Taekook FF || English

Letter #3

Jungkook,

I don't know what's come over me, but all of a sudden I feel even more guilty than before.

I decided to follow Mellodi's advice and see a counsellor. And I started spilling my sorrows about how I'm still grieving over your death and about my past with my parents and my childhood filled with neglect...

She asked me a question, "Mr. Kim, do you blame yourself for your husbands death?"

I said yes, of course, as it was my true feeling. I feel like I've killed you, Jungkook. Like I was just as bad as my parents were to me or, even worse, how your mom was to you.

Why do I feel this way? I know I shouldn't be blaming myself. Everyone tells me it wasn't my fault, but they were the ones who knew nothing about you. I did. I know everything about you. I know about your past, your feelings, everything. The letters we used to write tell me everything an anything I could ever want to know.

It hurts so fucking much knowing that you're not here anymore.

I've still been crying a whole bunch, but I've been getting back up on my feet now and again. Sometimes I go downstairs to get a cup of coffee and greet the kids, but then I go back to our... no, my room. Well, at least it's an improvement from the way it was before.

You know something, Jungkook? I keep thinking back to the day of your funeral and I spent every moment crying, but also was looking for someone. Your mother, or even your father. Your true biological parents. I saw Kairi there, and she looked just as wrecked as any mother would. But your true mother? I don't know what she looks like, but all the people at the ceremony were familiar, so your mother mustn't have been there.

It must be hard, Jungkook. I know you're in a better places now, but seeing that your own mother wasn't there to attend your funeral was heartbreaking. I felt my heart break for not only you, but for her too. I know what she did to you was horrible, but if she had known that her own child died after living a healthy life, I'm sure she would cry too.

If she wouldn't, then I don't consider her a human being.

Look, Jungkook, I'm trying my best here. I really am. It's been a while since I've seen Yoongi, and I feel like he would make a good therapist, better than the one I'm seeing. I feel like since we've been apart for so long that he's already forgotten about me or he just doesn't care anymore.

You know, I don't know how far this news about your death reached. I know you had a whole lot of other friends. Hoseok, was it? See, it's been so long that I have to look back at our old letters to find out who you were once connected with.

You also mentioned a Seokjin. I'm not exactly sure if I've met the guy, but I'm pretty sure I haven't. He seems very nice, though. I wonder if he showed up to your funeral.

I'm getting all teary-eyed again. I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to be strong for you and our family, but somehow it's just not working. It feels like my heart has been crushed by two thousand pound weight and my bones are shattering with every step I take. It's such a cliché, I know, but I just can't help it. It hurts so much. Won't you come and save me like you did before?

Oh, God, what am I saying? I'm acting as if you're still here with me, but you're not. You're gone, and I can't get you back. This tragic fate... is this what was meant to happen? You always used to say that things happened for a reason, but now, I'm not sure if I want to believe that. I want to say that you're still alive and that this was all just a dream, an accident even, but I know deep down that it's not true. It never will be.

When will I wake up? I don't know. I do t know why I'm writing these letters anymore. I should be downstairs with my... our family. I should be taking care of them like any good father would, but I can't even bother to get up from this seat.

It hurts to move. To eat. To sleep. I can't go on another day knowing that you're not with me.

I just know that I'm trying my hardest to cope. Our family needs me. I'm sorry, Jungkook.

Forever yours,

Kim Taehyung