Please, Miss (GirlxGirl) ✔️

34 | advice

A l e x

"...Whatever, I'll speak to you later, or maybe not, I don't know. Bye." My heart drummed in my chest as I replayed her voicemail, listening to the sound of her voice over and over like it was the best thing I'd ever heard. I longed to see the face that went with it, but I knew that wasn't possible. I'd listened to each and every message she'd sent me, and every time I'd wanted it grab the phone and call straight back, tell her I love her and I was coming back for her. But I wasn't, and I couldn't.

I threw the phone on my bed beside me with an audible sigh, staring at my old bedroom full of memories. It had remained untouched since I'd left it, and despite the fact that my parents neglected to acknowledge my existence for years, it made me feel better knowing that they hadn't completely removed me from their lives.

"Hey, you want some breakfast?" My mother said, appearing at my doorway sheepishly. Ever since I'd returned to Missouri, the relationship between her and I had still been awkward, especially for her. I know she felt guilty for all she'd put me through, and truthfully, I wasn't sure that I'd fully forgiven her yet. Would I ever be able to?

I shook my head. "No thanks."

She nodded, but stayed where she was, staring at me with worry behind her eyes. "You would talk to me, wouldn't you, if you had a problem?"

I sighed. "Mom, please don't—"

"Alexandra," she cut me off, moving into my room slowly and sitting beside me. I shuffled to the right, creating a few extra inches of space between us. She watched me, pursing her lips. "I'm trying my hardest, okay? I'm trying to rebuild a relationship with you, to get you back, but you have to let me..." I didn't reply, and we sat in silence for half a minute before she spoke again. "You're my daughter, and even though I haven't been a part of your life for a long while, I still know you. I know when something's bothering you, I just wish you'd feel comfortable enough to talk about it with me."

I sighed again. "It's not something you'd want to hear, mom."

"Try me," she pushed.

I took a deep breath. "It's about a girl..."

I felt her pause for a moment beside me as her shoulders tensed, before she nodded slowly. "Go on."

"Well, I love her, and she loves me back, but I know she shouldn't be with me, she deserves better. I got scared and ran away, and I wish I could talk to her again and tell her that I still love her, but now it's been too long and I can't do that to her. I've come in and out of her life too much, it's not fair to do it again. I just feel like the worst person on earth." A lump rose in my throat as I spoke aloud about Evie for the first time in months, and I swallowed it back, determined not to cry.

"And you say you...love this girl?" My mother eventually replied.

I nodded slowly. "Yes, I really do."

"Don't let it go to waste, Alexandra." I turned my head towards her, surprised by her answer. "Listen to me, I don't want you to end up my age looking back and regretting the chances you didn't take. If you love this girl...then tell her. Maybe she'll feel the same, maybe she won't, but you won't know until you do it."

I wasn't sure how to reply for a while. I simply sat, processing her words and realising they spoke the truth. But my mother didn't understand the context of the story, she didn't know who Evie was. I knew how much I'd hurt her, and maybe I'd broken her heart beyond repair this time. I hated myself for knowing what I'd done to her, but I'd been terrified when I realised that she'd told her friends. I knew that if anyone found out, it would ruin our chances of having a future together outside of school. But maybe leaving her wasn't the right thing. I should have answered her calls, given her some answers, some closure, at the very least. But I'd taken the cowardly way out, shut her out of my life like she'd meant nothing to me. It had probably been the worst decision of my life.

"Thanks mom," I replied eventually. "I think you're right."

She nodded, turning towards me and, after pausing for a few moments, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, gripping me in a tight embrace. We hadn't hugged in years and it felt oddly comforting to breathe in her familiar scent. It reminded me of my childhood, of simpler times before we'd fallen out, before our relationship broke down. A deep sadness filled me as I worried that I might not ever get that back, just as I might not ever get Evie back.

Eventually my mother left my room and I sat on my bed in the quiet, cross legged, thoughts running through my mind at lightening speed.

I reached over to my bedside cabinet, tugging at the drawer and reaching. I lifted out the white flower she'd given me, now sewn onto black ribbon that fitted nicely around my wrist. I stroked it in my fingers delicately, and the dull ache returned to my chest as I did so. It was in these quiet moments, alone with my thoughts, that her absence in my life was made so obvious.

Perhaps in a few years we could be together, happy and close and standing a chance of having something special and long-lasting. But I also knew that the gift of time could allow so many things to happen, for her heart to reinvest in another that didn't belong to me, and that scared me to death. I didn't want to lose the brilliant ray of sunshine that had stormed into my life like a flash flood. I didn't want her to fall in love with someone else, or be happy without me, but god that was so selfish of me. I'd made my decision now, and I had to grow up and accept it.

I leaned my head back against the wall, closing my eyes fleetingly as I puffed out my cheeks, my mind on the verge of an inordinate implosion with too many things to think about, too many decisions to make.

'Oh Evie,' I thought to myself. 'I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what was best. I'm afraid of hurting you more than I already have, but every choice I have has a consequence, and I don't know which one is worst...'