Lost for Words

Third Eye View (Warning: Suicidal)

I like to believe that the world functions the way it does for a reason,
That communication is the gateway to fixing our problems,
That even when the most simplest action is misunderstood,
we can fix it.
But a lot has altered my mindset since the age of 7.
The hundreds of friends I've lost,
The family members I no longer keep in touch with,
The mixed feelings I have about each situation that could've been fixed if I didn't utter a single phrase.

I want to be right about what I've done within the past seventeen years of my life.
The way I speak,
The way I think,
The way I give advice,
And most importantly the way in which I believe life was meant to be.
But everything is telling me otherwise.
Hate isn't supposed to be in my vocabulary.
I'm not supposed to dislike something because it's different than what I'm accustomed to,
I'm not supposed to bash other people's beliefs,
It isn't something my parents taught me.
They didn't teach me to be hostile towards situations as such,
or that relationships were difficult,
or that even people were difficult.
They taught me that the world was meant to be a beautiful place.
Everyone was supposed to get along,
hate wasn't a factor,
and communication was the most important thing I could master
Simply because it fixed everything.

I find myself thinking about this at the worst times possible.
Why does this dance across my mind when I don't want it to?
Are these morals the things I should stick to?
Or should I let my environment control the person I am and will be?
I don't want to be the person that makes everyone realize the true meaning of life,
But suicidal thoughts are dangerous.
When you're taught certain things that don't match the truth,
you start to question a lot.
Mine just so happened to kill me.

I'm not supposed to hate myself.