It still hurts. Even though I should have grown to expect it by now. It still feels like a sharp knife jabbing into my soul.
Won't you ever see my worth?
It shows itself in subtle ways, so subtle that you don't realize that you are doing it. But I can see it, the stranger you welcomed into our house can see it, even your friends can see it. I guess everyone but the people who matter can see it.
Won't you tell me that I am enough?
It infiltrates my memories. Even the ones that should be fond. Like from a high school football game. One of your friends asked me to do something to help them really quick, to help set up a booth for them. Of course I was instantly willing to help, you always taught me to help others. When we were done your friend took a long look at me and said "Despite what your mom says about you, you're a good kid." That is an exact quote. That was the moment when I came to the Earth stopping realization that I would never, no matter how hard I tried, become the person you want me to be.
Won't you ever be satisfied with me?
It creeps into every aspect of my life, slowly taking over. I got a 4.0 GPA my first semester of college. I worked so hard to earn it and thought, this is it. This is the moment that they will finally be proud of me. Instead I came home only to be told that if I could achieve that then I wasn't pushing myself hard enough. So this semester I am taking 18 credits, in three clubs, and am in the process of getting a job.
Won't you ever be proud of me?
It has darkened my past but my future is shining bright. I may alway crave your approval, wishing that for once you would validate my feelings. Yet I can no longer live my life like it's a parking ticket collecting overdue fees.
You do not control me.
I am enough.
I am worthy.
I am satisfied.
I am proud.
