MENTAL // luke hemmings

02.

I hugged my arms around myself, tightly holding onto my rip cage. It felt like falling apart. I felt like falling apart. I opened my mouth, like trying to suck in the air, but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe. I let out a gasp and collapsed onto the concrete, cold floor. My back rested against the wall. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the sudden bright light. It was just as bright as before, but I only just came to the realization that I'd switched on the lights.

I made myself as little as possible, pulling up my legs and keeping them close to me. I hid my face behind my legs, resting my forehead against my knees.

I opened my mouth, pushed out the air with all the strength I had in my body. Yet, there was no sound. It was like a silent scream. Tears escaped my closed eyelids and screamed down my face. I tried to hold in my breath, fighting the urge to break out in terrible whining, but sobs took over.

I opened my mouth again, did the same as before, but only this time it wasn't without sound. It was like an actual scream. It sounded shrill and dead. If pain had a sound, it would be this. I couldn't believe that that had come out of my own mouth. I hoped nobody had heard it.

The hollow feeling inside of me was back. It always started at the bottom of my lungs, right under where your sternum ended and your ribs came together. That hole suddenly felt awfully empty. That hollow feeling was something I couldn't handle. It got me frustrated, restless and anxious. Once that feeling spread across my body, I couldn't sit still. I had to walk, go somewhere, but as soon as I would be on my feet I wouldn't know where to go, maybe turn a few rounds and collapse back onto the floor, feeling angry, desperate and mostly useless.

I tried to fight the feeling as long as possible. I started shaking, feeling seeped out of my body. Blood pounded in my ears, a war took place in my mind. As the first killing stab of pain shot through my head, I screamed out. It was more like a loud, high cry, like somebody had just pushed a knife into my stomach. I grabbed onto my head and another silent scream formed.

‘Stop, please stop,’ I begged desperately, my voice almost not recognizable due to the crying. There wasn’t even someone that could stop – I had no idea who I was talking to. It felt like it was the only thing I could do.

‘No, no,’ I whispered so softly that it could’ve been only a thought as well. The words came out like crying; they collided with the sobs.

I screamed out again. It wasn’t even pain that was hurting me. The numbness, the lack of purpose I had on this earth – that were the things that tore me up.

My whole body was shocking. I couldn’t control it – myself – anymore. My next scream was followed by nurses that stormed into my room. My body jumped up as the door loudly banged against the wall, but my mind didn’t take notice at all. People started pulling me back and forth, trying the get a hold of me. Yet again, my body tried to fight them off, but my mind wasn’t paying attention.

‘Vanilla! Listen to me!’ a slightly out of breathe woman’s voice echoed through my head. Two hands gripped onto my wrists and stopped me from hurting myself any more – what apparently I was doing.

‘Vanilla!’ The woman, who was now on eyelevel, kept screaming my name. At least, it felt like screaming. Vanilla. Vanilla. Vanilla. It kept going through my mind, my brain was trying to process it but I couldn’t figure out what it was or what it meant. Vanilla. Vanilla.

It made me go crazy. What did it mean, what did this voice want from me? I just wanted to be alone, wanted to get out of here. Who was trying to control me?

Something cold got pressed against the sides of my face. Water dripped down my cheeks and streamed down my neck. It took away the hot pressure on my head, making my mind one big blur. Vanilla suddenly got its meaning back, my mind started processing the things that happened around me again. I actually saw and heard again.