When Misery Sinks In

Chapter 3 - Midnight misery

Chapter 3

Midnight misery

The worst part is definitely at night. The dark cruel cold night that fits perfectly with my thoughts. I lay in bed once more trying to get some peace of my mind but even when I’m so tired and sleepy, my brain won’t turn off for even a second. I close my eyes trying to sleep but to no avail. I turn around changing positions. Frustration and anger become to take over as every memory starts to reign my soul. I go through every detail of every little thing that happened to me through the day trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could’ve fixed it, what I could’ve done differently. I start to imagine every possible scenario there is. What could’ve happened if I approached that handsome stranger, if I talked to my friend in a different way, if I made that joke that’s still stuck in my head, if I hang around with my new fun classmates instead of sitting alone, if I called that special someone instead waiting for them to call, if I joined in the conversation and the laughs in the bus on the way back home instead of listening to my same favorite songs through my earphones, if I had the courage to answer correctly in class or to ask that smart  question that now will remain unanswered … as if these weren’t enough, my brain decides to go through every similar thing that happened all throughout my life, then it shifts to all the bad decisions, bad habits, bad things that happened, people I’ve lost, people I’ve hurt, people I’ve been hurt by, friends I no longer see, lover I didn’t get to have… it gets really overwhelming.

I roll over, take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I take my phone. There are no new notifications, or at least not from the ones I’d hoped to. I start to roll down my old conversations remembering some good times and some shared laughs, some hilarious jokes, some serious talks that strengthened a bond, some midnight chats that made not sleeping a good thing. I go through some names that I wish I could talk to right now. I even think about initiating a conversation then I change my mind. I turn off my phone and return to rolling over in my bed.

I start to think about the future, about my projects and all the dreams I wish I could make true, all the things I wish I could do, all the qualities I wish I could have. Then out of compulsion, my hand starts to run through my hair. It starts pulling hair out of my head until it feels like several knives are pulling through my skull. A pile of hair is now on the floor next to my bed. Every time I look in the mirror I see that little gap of hair that is caused because of this. I disgust myself. I hate that I can’t do anything about this.

I take my phone again, only this time to put my sad songs playlist on play to try stabilizing my feelings. I feel like I want to cry because of all these overwhelming feelings seeping through: anger, frustration, sadness, regret, shame, pure misery. After a while, the music becomes more of an additional noise to my deafening thoughts instead of calming so I turn it off.

My head is starting to hurt. My back hurts too, so does my stomach. Hell, my whole body aches. Tears start to form in my eyes as I feel the pain in every inch of my body. It’s like the ache in my heart had spread from head to toe. I put my hands on each side of my head pulling them tight to try to ease the pain, wishing I could erase it. I start to cry. It starts with silent tears falling down on my cheeks and it evolves to sobbing and mute scream-crying under my pillow so no one could hear. After all that pain and all that crying, I start to calm down. My head hurts even more from all the crying but somehow it doesn’t bother me.

I even start to think about God. If he exists, how could he watch me crying tonight and not feel my pain, how could he watch all the bad things happening and not do anything about it. How I crave to feel him holding me in his arms, making me feel safe. Oh how I wish that there is someone, anyone who can hug me tight right now, telling me that everything’s gonna be okay. Instead, I hug my pillow and close my weary eyes till sleep finally takes over.