The Darkened Whispers...

》Chapter 6《

The girls bathroom is empty, luckily. Locking myself in a stall, I try to comprehend my thoughts.
'Breath Erina' I say to myself inside my catastrophic mind.
My breathing erratic. Lungs barely capable to comprehend the amount of air needed for emotional baggage my body holds. Heart aching as bullets race through my arteries.

Suddenly I hear the creak of the door to the bathroom. Someone has entered. I hear footsteps as I try to control my body's fight or flight mode.

'Erina?' I hear Kristina say.

Good God how on earth am I going to explain this? I don't even have enough time to calm down.
She needs to go away.
I need to run.
Everything's closing in.
I need help.
Shit I need my pills.

The darkened memories start to pry my brain. The pain stabbing my heart with undeniable suffering.

'Erina!' Kristina repeats but with more urgency.

I open my brown shoulder bag quickly, and take out my acidic pills. The things that make me feel nothing, for nothing is better than the pain I feel so strongly. I swallow them without need for a drink and wrap myself into my arms, digging my head into my thighs. Praying that everything goes away as I move back and forth, sat on the white toilet seat.
Kristina must of heard me as she knocks on the stall door lightly, to signify she's there.

'Hey, you okay?' She says sympathetically as if she thought this question is comforting.

'You don't need to worry Kristina, I'm fine. I just need some time alone to comprehend my thoughts' I say in a barely stable voice, trembling with exhaustion.

'No you're not, I know you're not. Please, its not good to keep everything on the inside, I won't sink in that hole you think I'll be in. And I won't leave nor betray you if you tell me. I see it's killing you in keeping everything on the inside, no human being should feel the pain and loneliness that you do-' She says, noticing the chance where i am at my weakest to get the story she's been craving for. Or is it that she truly cares?

'Kristina, please. Respect my decision in keeping the truth from people who truly don't need it. You have to understand that I've been hurt, and I deal with it differently than you do. I need a lot of time to have enough strength to recall all that's happened to me. That may be next month or in the next 20 years but please, don't force me to tell you when I don't want to...' my voice shaking with such emotion that I haven't noticed how much I've kept on the inside.

'Fine... I'll leave you be but, remember, I'll always be there for you when you need it most.' She says, doing as I say. I can tell she's worried about me, the tremble in her voice tells a lot. She's blaming herself for not being able to do much.

And I do not know how to help her when I'm so broken. But if I say that it's okay that she can't do much, she'll break down because then she'll know I've noticed.

All I hear is the dripping of the tap outside the stall... and it's the constant reminder that I'm in a battle where no matter what I do or say... It will never end.

The air feels so cold. I feel so cold.

I guess she was right, no human being should feel so much pain and loneliness as I do.

Now I'm here, wishing for my little girl to giggle again to keep me sane and away from this suffering. She is the only person that's keeping me alive...

Maybe I should consider Kristina as that too.

The dullness of the bathroom stares blank at me, as if it's attacking me with no words, no movement... just silence to torture me even further.

I'm going crazy.

All of a sudden, I hear some other girls come in, complaining how a guy still hasn't replied to them for 3 hours even though they're active. They break my train of thought, I guess it's time to go to class.

I exit the bathroom but not without the quick judgmental glances as they play Chinese whispers. I see in the mirror reflection, how darn exhausted I truly look.

The traffic of the students have gone to none, just an empty long corridor. As if the school building too knew.

As the day and classes go by, I received the same look from Kristina... The 'why are you doing this to yourself' expression.

The day became a blur, its as if it sped up like a movie to the point where I don't know what happened after I went to first period. I'm so mentally ill that my reality is no longer processable.  No longer worth remembering. As though there's too many memories in my mind already that there's no room for happiness.

Dusk was approaching as I left the chaotic  building; Kristina still has not spoken a word for she no longer knows what to say.

The trees swayed gracefully as the wind blew softly. The parking lot was desolate with peace and quiet. Robins and sparrows flew through the blue, calm sky. Clouds only seen on the horizon, too far to hear or feel it's damage. The air fresh with the autumn cold.

In that moment, I made a decision that I thought I will never make. Maybe I should let her in. Maybe I should tell her this one thing. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if I did. After all, she's the only person that checked if I was okay. Left when I needed my time to think. Stuck by me eventhough I'm so broken that no person would be bothered to stay and deal with it .

Ben's in prison, he won't do anything if I let this one person in. For he is far away, too far to have any affect on my loved ones. Perhaps.... too far to have an effect on me.