unsteady

attempts

                                                     god bless the broken road

                                                                             that led me straight to you

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trigger warning @ the end...if suicide/depression make you uncomfortable, by all means that's the opposite of what we're trying to accomplish. ily all. 

dedicated to @seayceetings and @happeekaycee :)

also if u want a dedication, lmk!! always happy to hand em out :)

Kaycee

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Sean Lew had kissed her. And she had kissed him back. 

See, this was the part that made dying hard. If she loved him, she was going to have to leave him behind. And hurt him. 

But staying alive was still so hard.

"So," Gabe said, his voice sending shivers down her spine as he circled her. His friends chuckled, leaning their backs against the wall, watching. She swallowed a lump in her throat. "I heard you and your pathetic bodyguard are hooking up."

"He's not my bodyguard," she said coolly. "And even if we were, what do you care, Gabe? Honestly." Her voice dripped daggers. "It's not like you don't have side chicks."

His fist plunged into the wall above her. She flinched, closing her eyes and taking a sharp inhale. "Stop it."

"What did you say?" he asked her, leering in her face. "This is your fault." He shoved his now bloody knuckles in her face. "All you."

"Stop," she said again, trying to stop the hot tears forming in her eyes from falling. "Gabe, we're done. Just let it go."

"Where's Sean? Huh? Where is he?" he taunted her. His friends snickered. "Not here, is he?" 

And then it came. The slap across the face, the grabbing fiercely by her collarbone, the throw forward so she stumbled, the humiliation. "Get out, slut," he said.

This hurts, she thought desperately as one of his friends stepped forward to lead her to his car. This really hurts.

It wasn't the kind of hurt that Tylenol or ice could fix. This was being burned by someone you love. So she decided that she'd never love Sean. She couldn't burn him like this. She was way too much of a flight risk. And she bet that if he ever saw her scars, or if he ever saw the bruises, he'd run away and never come back. Hearing about them was one thing, but it became real when you saw them.

Kaycee never let Gabe touch her. They'd never even gotten close to sex, even though he'd tried too many times. Her cuts made her insecure, so she added more, but then barely ever wore anything above a long sleeve, making it a vicious cycle. It was addicting, and a cycle she couldn't break. Even acknowledging their existence was hard for her. She just pretended they didn't exist, and pretty much intended to keep it that way until she died. She couldn't even imagine herself naked with a boy, and she was pretty sure some of them ran so deep they'd be there forever, making sex impossible. No one would ever get close, she promised herself. I don't need anyone. 

After his friend dropped her off, Kaycee ran into her room, slamming the door before her mom could ask her what was wrong. She put her head in her hands on her desk, massaging her temples, looking at the bruise that was now on the same cheek that the previous cut was from, which was also now open and trickling blood. She was going to start running out of excuses to tell her mom. You could only fall off your bike so many times.