unsteady

i'm sorry

         your sorry came too late

                             to change anything.

                                            but your words came too fast

                                                                and changed me.

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an: hi friends i can tell you it's only gonna go downhill from here. so um. yeah.

but

a lot of love for you all always, but especially recently. going through this new self love stage without my ex has given me a lot of time to think, and your endless positivity has filled my days with so many smiles where it could be sadness. i can't thank you enough. <3

also dedicated to as always my main lova 

Kaycee

a month later

___

Kaycee had fallen from grace. Not that she had really ever reached it, but you get the idea. She was back on rock bottom, back with Gabe, away from dance, away from Sean. Gabe had taken her phone, and she'd held back tears as she silently watched him block Sean on everything. She stopped going to school, started wearing her long sleeves again, and stopped thinking about everything that had been Sean Lew.

He had been right, after all.

She couldn't handle it. Him. Dance. Life. Any of it. One small mistake, and she fled right back to where she was. Some tough Kaycee she'd made herself out to be. 

She couldn't go back to the ward, though. Time there changes you. She was certain of that.

She'd rather just die.

"I'm going out," Gabe barked at her. She didn't even flinch, just nodded numbly. Suddenly, the TV in front of her flicked off and there was Gabe, standing in front of her, his hand jerking on her chin and pulling her face towards him. "I said," he snapped, breathing pot in her face, "I'm going out."

"Ok," she dully repeated. "I love you."

"Right," he threw her face to the side and slapped it, remote still in his hand, the sting packing twice as much of a punch. "That's what I thought."

As she reached up to cover her face, to feel the bump already forming, her skin caught a sliver of light, and fell exposed. Gabe's eyes washed over it and he rolled them, like she was bothering him. "Oh get a grip, Kaycee," he smirked, walking away. "Your life isn't that bad."

She bit her lip to keep from crying. Oh, Gabe. But it is.

She leaned back in the couch, shoulders collapsing as she heard him slam the door. She was drained. Tired of fighting, tired of doing everything she'd tried to hard to make herself better than, trying to be someone she obviously wasn't. This is who I'm set out to be, she thought. I almost made it back to that life, but my feet lead me back here. It couldn't have been a mistake. I'm the mistake. I'm the common denominator of all these fucked up things. Maybe I'm the reason they are the way they are.

She hadn't been to the sign in a while. It reminded her too much of Sean. But since she did her best thinking up there, maybe it was time to go and clear her head. She stepped through the broken beer bottles and grabbed her jacket, opening the door. 

Right into someone, with their fist raised, ready to knock. 

"Oh my God," she said, averting her eyes so they wouldn't see the obvious bruises around them and the red mark from her earlier altercation with Gabe. "I'm sorry, I'm such a klutz..."