unsteady

backwards, part one

                        sometimes i get frustrated

                                                to the point

                                                        that i just become silent.

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AN: intense trigger warning. if it's not for you, i'm sorry, but what i can't be sorry for is how real and how tragic these backtracks, these relapses are. i've had them firsthand. it's one of the most horrifying, terrifying feelings in the world. and if it does trigger you, that's ok. you're healing in your own way, and i bless and respect you for that. but do at least give the AN a read, it's nothing to gruesome and something you and everyone deserves to hear, bc i don't think it's stressed enough :) 

Kaycee

one day later

She had found out in a call from her mom, who had been even worse than she'd readied herself for. She'd numbly taken the news, nodding even though her mom couldn't see her, so daring to breathe out loud. 

Every word she'd said, although there were few, took every breath she had and every ounce of strength she didn't.

I'm fine, she told herself. I knew this was coming.

But nothing can prepare you for the sudden feeling of losing someone.

It hurts, she thought lamely, at a loss for better words. It hurts like hell.

Her mother said she'd be at the hospital for a while, and then she was going to go tell Devon in person. So my brother deserves the news face to face, but I don't.

Younger her wouldn't gotten upset. Older her didn't even notice until Sean asked her about it later. "Don't you care?" he asked, his eyes big and concerned, unable to fathom why Laura Rice was the way she was. "That she went to tell him, and she just called you?"

"No," she'd shrugged indifferently. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

"Does it hurt?" he'd asked. 

"Not anymore," she'd said.

___

She had called him, still breathless.

"You ok?" he asked instantly, voice notably tired from sleep.

"Did I wake you?" she asked, trembling. He must have instantly sensed her discomfort. "Yeah, but that's ok...." he trailed off. "I wasn't really sleeping anyway. And you know I'd always wake up for you."

"Sean," she quivered, shaking as her anxiety took flight.

"Kayc?" he asked, his voice suddenly taking on concern. "Is everything ok?"

"Come get me," she slipped out. "Please."

_____

Sean

__

He didn't need any more reason than that. He was on his way.

______

Kaycee

__

They sat in the car, in silence. She reached for the radio.

I'd rather be a lover than a fighter

Fighter

Cause all my life