Escaping From Within

Chapter 2

Tia

As I rushed out the hospital my alarm began to ring reminding me that I only had fifteen minutes to get across town to the jail to visit J'ah. I really hated reliving that night and was constantly having nightmares about it all and I didn't have nobody to talk to. I actually rather not talk about it. On top of that I felt alone without J'ah and Milan, yeah Kat was still around but she was becoming a bit annoying. Sometimes it felt like she was trying to replace Milan but Milan just wasn't replaceable. Since that night I had been sleeping less and eating less also. I never really had an appetite and my stomach felt sick most of the time. I googled my symptoms as I got on the public train. My phone loaded up three different things that corresponded to my symptoms which were depression,pregnancy,or cancer. Seriously that was a waste of time.
   I got off the train and headed towards the depressing hell, I hated coming here to see J'ah like this and I constantly blamed myself. The building smelt like mothballs mixed with bleach and the walls were a dirty grey color but paint chipped in some places. "Put your belongings in the basket before walking through the metal detector" a lady guard instructed me with a harsh tone. I did as I was told and walked through. I waited for a whole hour before they brought him out. The moment he seen me his entire face lit up happy to see me there. "Hey baby" I say giving him a quick peck on the lips before the CO could say anything. "Wassup, how you been" he asked before sitting at the table. I looked down at the floor before answering because I didn't wanna lie to him but I didn't want him worrying about me either.  "You look like you ain't been eating or sleeping T wassup with that? I told you I'm good they ain't got nothing on me and I got a brother from up north that's gone be touching down soon... I need y'all to link" he say watching around us to make sure no one was ear hustling or trying to read his lips. He took my hand into his hand looking into my eyes. He was sliding a thin folded slip into my hand secretly but he never stop talking. "How Milan doing though?" He asked. "She still not responding J'ah what the fuck I'm supposed to do" I said feeling scared. "TIME UP!" The CO yelled to the visitors and inmates. J'ah stood up and mouth the words I love you. I could feel my eyes tearing up because I didn't wanna say bye to him.
   After leaving visitation I opened the folded slip and read the text nodnarb. What the hell was he trying to tell me? I thought to myself. I shoved the folded paper back into my pocket feeling overwhelmed. I just don't think I can deal with anymore right now.
When I got home my uncles were outside drinking on Budweiser's watching the project kids play. As I climbed up the stairs to my apartment I could feel my heart racing as if I was running from a dog. Why was I so tired? I thought to myself. "T did you bring some to eat" my uncle Brian distracted me from my thoughts. I shook my head and went inside to get some rest. When I open my front door, the old run down apartment smelled of spoiled milk and garbage and I immediately began to gag and gag. I was literally coughing up nothing but the smelled made my stomach turn. I ran to our only bathroom to force myself to throw up but still nothing. After hours of trying to throw up my insides I eventually gave up and decided to lie down. My room looked so dark and gloomy to me for the first time but I guess it matched my mood. The windows was decorated with dark green sheets that blocked out any possible sunlight. I kept my fan on through the day so the air circulating because lately I had been having hot flashes. I lay down on my twin size bed and try to clear my head but all I can think about was Milan. "HEY GIRL!" Kat yelled as she bust into my room irritating me more and more. I didn't respond to her but of course that didn't stop her from welcoming herself in. "So how was visitation" she asked before plopping down on my bed. I was starting to want to be alone or maybe I just felt the need to be away from her. She picked up my phone and began to click through it. "Damn Kat I'm tryna rest I don't feel good" I said hoping she'll get the hint I was obviously dropping. "Did you take some" she asked still clicking through my phone. I snatched my phone from her hand and she looked at me with her face scrunched up. " I had a bad day already! I miss both of my best friends and I just really wanna be alone girl!" It slipped out my mouth before I knew it. Surprisingly she sat there quietly after I finished for a minute and she got up to leave. "I hope you get better" she said quietly before closing my room door to my dark room. I felt bad for snapping on her but it felt good to be in my own space. I just needed some self time to think. So I began to relax and clear my head for a second time. I then thought about Milan suicide note that I kept from that night. I know it might sound crazy but it made me feel still connected with her as if her soul was still with me.