As I walk up the stairs in my high school with my headphones in, dreading to be here
I look straight ahead, with my head slightly tilted down as I pass some of my 'friends'
My face shows that I don't want to be here
The bags under my eyes and the dread in my eyes show it
But others think I'm just a rude, self centered, bitch
Why does she always act like a bitch?
Why does she always seem rude?
Why does she never wants to acknowledge me?
Why is she rude to me?
Why is she's such a bitch 24/7?
One minute she's smiling and happy and the next she's not talking and looks like her bitch self ugh.
If you truly know me
You know I'm not a bitch
Only one person fully understands that at school
I dread this place that I associate with prison
Well, you want to know why I look like a total bitch at school 24/7?
It's because of the people
Because of the teachers
Because of the nasty looks I get
Because of the remarks
Because of the people constantly being so damn peppy to me to the point where I want to explode
Because of the constant feeling of being judged
But I really couldn't give two shits about what people think about me
My self-esteem is already at rock bottom, you can't knock it down any further
I wear sweats and sweatshirts to school daily
I had one of my close friends come up to me and say
Why are you wearing that? You look bad. The hoodie is so baggy, why would you wear that?
I respond saying it's comfy and I don't care
Well, maybe you should.
My acne is spread around my forehead and chin like wildfire
One of my other close friends come up to me
Have you been washing your face Jane? I told you to do that so it look better!
Yes! Yes, I've been washing my damn face for the past damn year and it's still here
So will you PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT
I want to tell her that
The girl with perfect skin tells me to 'wash your face'
It pains me, most of the time, to look in a mirror to see the ugly reflection hitting back at me
I wish my stomach was flatter
I wish my eyes were prettier
I wish my hair wasn't so ugly, frizzy, and difficult
I wish I had perfect skin
I wish my self-esteem was high... haha Jane, you actually think you'll ever get that?
The same girl sits to my right at lunch
She tells me
It'll be okay.
Then pats me on the shoulder
Her peppy self I can not stand
And with her touching me
And getting in my personal bubble
I shudder and move away slightly, but not enough so she gets offended by her little fragile feelings
She doesn't know what pain is
And I can guarantee that
I've been so good to hide the fact that I'm suffering
I walk out of a room looking like I didn't shed a tear, but in reality I cried enough to fill a lake
No one knows
And I like it that way
No questions
No stares
Just left in the back
To rot away in my hole
Which is way better
Then trying to survive
A better question to ask me is this;
Why do you feel alone?
Why do you want to end it all?
Why do you dread school?
Why do people think you are a bitch even though you aren't?
Why is your self-esteem so low?
Why do you feel like fading away would be much better?
But it's okay. I'm fine.
