Meet On The Ledge || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 33

    2017 - January

    The doctor suggested that everyone leave the room, so I could get rest, but I also got the feeling she understood what I was going through. My mind kept flashing back to moments when we hadn't been safe. I didn't even think about how I hadn't gotten my period or why I was always so hungry all of a sudden. Nothing had clicked, but I knew one thing was for sure. I killed that baby.

    I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to cry in that horrible hospital room, I could see Sam, Carmen, and Ronnie's heads as they sat up against the window to my room on chairs. Why me? Why had this happened to me? I watched as Karen came speed walking down the hall, her hair a dishevelled mess, her eyes worried beyond belief. I had changed my emergency contact to her when I turned eighteen, she was more like my mom than anyone else. She was speaking to a nurse in the hallways and I watched her face fall even more than it already had. She knew what had happened. I closed my eyes quickly, pretending to be asleep. I heard the door to my room open and close as a shaky breathed Karen came to my side. I felt her hand go in mine and heard her hit the chair next to the bed sitting down. "Hi sweetheart." She whispered, barely audible. I shuffled a little bit and opened my eyes seeing her. I gave her a small smile, one that was happy to see her, but not happy about anything else.

    "Hi." I said back, surprised by how raspy my voice sounded.

    "How are you feeling?"

    "I've been better." I felt tears rim my eyes, but they didn't fall.

    "Oh, sweetie." It was obvious that she didn't know what to say, but I didn't either. The silence was nice. She would look at me straight in the eyes and move my hair from my face, lightly playing with it. I thought about how I wished my mother was here, doing the same thing, but I knew my families reaction would be completely different. Karen was different. She knew that I was in pain, that I might never want to talk about what happened and to her that was okay. As her hand landed on my cheek, rubbing circles on it, my tears fell. She brushed them away with her thumb and gave me a worried smile. I saw her eyes tear up. "You're going to be okay, no matter what. You'll always be okay." I nodded through my wet eyes, I had started sobbing. She sat up and took my head into her arms, letting me cry, telling me that it was okay.

    I spent the rest of the day in the hospital and by night time is was time to go home. Sam had brought me a change of clothes that were made up of his clothes. I changes into the t shirt and sweatpants, throwing one of Josh's old puffer jackets, and sneakers Ronnie had found in my suitcase. Sam held my hand as we walked to Karen's car. I told her I wanted to stay in the back seat, so Ronnie sat up front watching me every couple of seconds as I lied down.

    When we pulled into the driveway, I saw only one other car. I hoped to a god that I don't believe in that it was Kelly as Sam and Carmen pulled in after us. Ronnie opened the door for me, taking my arm in hers. She helped me to the front door even though I didn't need help. We walked in and the house was quiet and has been cleaned up after last night. I saw Kelly sitting on the couch, that same worried look Karen had spread across his face. "Hey kiddo." He said.

    "Hey, Kelly." I sat beside him, happy that he was the only one there. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I heard Karen say she needed to talk to him and I had come to the conclusion that he didn't know what had happened. As I lifted my head from his chest, footsteps stomped down the stairs. I watched as the other three guys emerged.

    "Maggie are you okay? You had us worried sick." Danny said.

    "I should have cut you off before you drank too much." Josh said. "Was the tube painful?" I looked at him weirdly, they didn't know either did they? I couldn't bring myself to look at Jake, but I could tell he wanted me to look at him.

    "I-I'm going to go to bed." I said, ignoring everything they had said. I kept my shoulders low and walked up the staircase to Ronnie's room. I knew we would be sharing her bed, but I wanted to hear what was happening downstairs, so I went over to the staircase and sat on the first step, trying to hear what they were saying.

    "-goes like this." I caught Karen mid sentence. "Maggie drank too much, she drank way too much, and as a result of that.." She paused and I wondered what she was doing. I imagined that she was holding on to Kelly's arm. "... she miscarried." The room was silent. No one spoke, until Jake.

    "What?" He said, completely confused as to what she had said. "How is that possible?"

    "She was pregnant," Sam said, "but she didn't know it." I couldn't listen to the conversation anymore. I didn't want to think about anything. I retreated back to the room, locking the door and, getting under the covers trying to sleep. My mind was moving fast, always thinking about something else. I heard a few knocks on the door, but I didn't let anybody in.

I pulled the covers off of me just a little bit, so I could see my stomach. If I had known I was pregnant, I probably would have gotten an abortion, at least I think I would have. I put my hand to stomach, rubbing where a baby would get bigger and bigger. Tears were constantly falling. I watched as the sun went down completely and the moon became again. It was almost haunting. I got up walking around the room, I took my phone, looking at the text messages and ignoring them. I opened up my music and looked for the only song I could ever want to listen to. Her voice came through the phone lightly, I closed my eyes swaying a bit on my feet. "Little green be a gypsy dancer."  I sang along, my voice broken and shaky. I listened to it over and over, not letting it stop for anything. A knock came on the door, I wasn't going to answer it, but I did.

"Hey." He said. I didn't respond, I just got back under the covers, sitting up a bit. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. He reached for my hand and I let him take it. "I'm so sorry." He said.

"You don't need to be sorry." He rubbed my hands, but it was making me feel nauseous, so I pulled my hand away.

"I think we should talk about this."

"Jake.. there's really nothing to talk about."

"Yes, there i-"

"I think we should stop seeing each other." I said, my voice stronger than I had expected.

"Stop Maggie, I love you, we need to get through this."

"But you don't need to get through anything. I think it's time that whatever we're doing ends." He shook his head lightly.

"No."

"Jake, don't make this more difficult than it is."

"I love you..."

"If you really loved me, things would be different." I hated saying that, the words rolling off my tongue sounded so bitter and I felt like I was giving him an ultimatum. He knew what I meant.

"Maggie, I..." He started to say something.

"Listen, I just can't be a part of something like this anymore. Not when lives are being ruined and ended."

"Say what you mean." He said, frustrated by me going around the topic.

"You know what I mean and you know I don't want to do this, but I also think you know that I don't want to share you. I don't want my only worry of getting pregnant to be if you'll stick around to watch a child grow up or if I'll have to say it's someone else's kid.. I can't do that." He was deep in thought. "If you can't be with me and only me, then we can't do this."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything now." I said before I laid back down, waiting for him to leave, which he did.

"Just a little green, like the night's when the Northern lights perform. There'll be icicles and birthday clothes and sometimes there'll be sorrow.."