My Life Story

The Difficulties

Originally Published: 8th February 2019
Unpublished: 27th December 2021
Republished: 4th January 2022

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TW: Mention of Self-harm/Suicide~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Throughout it all, I tried to learn ways to cope with pain and suffering.  Some of the things I did to cope made matters worse but I found some good things. I started researching about different websites that could give me help as an anonymous person. I found Kooth, It was recommended by a lot of mental health websites, so I signed up and registered. At that time, I found that they were extremely helpful when they replied, at that time, it took them at least a few days to reply. 

Ideally, I would of liked them to reply back within a few minutes but so many people are using the website that it takes them awhile to even get to you. Sometimes if I reached out, I wouldn't even accept the help they gave. Most of the responses I received where along the lines of emergency help numbers, and that was it. But someone helped me, and offered me more then the help numbers.

I had some really really bad habitats at that point in my life. I started self-harming, sadly, within the first few days I had about 71 cuts. They are all scars now that aren't too noticeable by others, it's sad to say that no one noticed, proves the fact of how oblivious people can be to people's pain. At that time, I had tried to refrain myself from going down that route, it was my goal to just stop and get a grip. 

Worrying and sadness consumed me the more I waited for some help from Kooth or just for anyone around me to even notice. I felt as if the more time I waited the worse these feelings got. Back then, Everyone around me did it, all my friends I mean. It felt so ashamed with myself but it was relieving at the time. The first day I ever did it, it went from 1 to 2, to 3, it stopped at 25 that day. 

Days passed, and I ended up doing more and more. It took me at least 2-3 days to get to 71. Me and my friends tried and tried to try and help each other and me and help myself but I didn't listen to myself or them...

I used to smile all the time but back then I felt kind of empty inside, I felt nothing besides from pain. I thought and believed I needed people at certain points in my life but. No one was there. No one. I was alone.

Another bad habit was that I would decide to hang outside my window from time to time. Staring down at my legs dangling. There is no ledge or anything to stop me if I wanted to fall. All that was there. A long drop. I prayed and prayed that one day I would just let myself drop. That voice, the voice in the back of your mind. It appeared. It told me that I knew people cared but my anxiety said others, and the demon's that I believed and knew where around me.

As a child, I had a very odd fascination with things that people believed weren't there; or were impossible to imagine. I had demons, or spirits that had been corrupted. They were always fighting with each other trying to decide for me. Some even protected me the best way they could. However, most of the time the one's that just wanted to shut everyone out and try to cause others harm would win. It was rare for the good one's to win, I had lost all patience with people those days, so I made friends with something other then friends. 

I liked to think a new day would be a better day. It was never true.