Maybe I Can Be Happy, Just This Once.

Live...if only for yourself

A/N I have no idea what I'm doing for the titles so 🤷‍♀️ DEFINITELY DO NOT READ IT HAS MENTIONS OF SUICIDE. If you don't like that honestly what did you expect?

"Parker! Pay attention."

His history teacher coach mayfield, admonished for the third time.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" He said weakly, he really didn't feel good. It's not that he was sick. He couldn't get sick. He was just really anxious. That's all.

"Peter you need to know this." Some Cold War, revolutionary war? He didn't know he wasn't paying attention. He look on the board and saw the agenda for the day was Cold War. He'd just spit out some facts and leave.

"The Cold War would have led to nuclear war if it weren't for NATO, the Cold War was a great rivalry between the Soviet Union and its allies and untied states and the western allies. I think I know enough can I please go to the bathroom now."
He didn't mean to show off...if that even was showing off.

But the walls were closing in on him.

"Fine. Be quick about it."

He got to the bathroom and went into the stall, locking it. Tears pricked his eyes.

Why is he like this? Why can't he be fucking normal?

He slid down the wall or the bathroom, next to the toilet he sat, crying.
He dug his nails into his arms. The cuts already littering his arms stung but it didn't matter.

He sat there for a few moments, getting himself back together. When he was done he got up, wiped his tears away and took a deep breath.

This. This is what you do when your a hero right? Nobody cares about your feelings, nobody cares about your hurt. Take all of it and stuff it in a bag, don't let anybody see it. Ever.

'If they new what goes on in your head..'

They didn't. And he is a hero because of it.

'Your not a hero. You never will be.'

He opened the door and walked out. Head held high for once.

***********

The last bell rang, and Peter really didn't know how to feel about it.

He hated school, but now...he doesn't want to go home. His mind tells him thoughts that shouldn't even be thought of, like Tony. Tony dying. Tony dying because of him.

'What's the point of living?' Random thoughts jumbled his head. But, what was the point?

No he can't think like this. Tony. Tony is the point of living. He walked to the car, his brain on autopilot he had already gotten his things from the locker.
Happy stood at the door.
"Bout time you got out here kid."
He didn't smile, Peter didn't either. Happy opened the door and Peter got in.
They started the drive home when Happy said, "I got some news kid, Tony woke up. Said he woke up bout three hours ago."
Peters heart raced, what did that mean? Did that mean he was okay? No, no of course it didn't. But it meant he was alive.

Peter smiled. A small smile, but a smile non the less. This is good? He was relieved. Finally something good.

***********

Happy had dropped him off at home and told him to pack a bag, it was Thursday and even though he had class tomorrow, Happy said it would be fine to take a day off. So he packed his bag. He put his razors in the front, some clothes in the main pocket, toothbrush and toothpaste in the second main pocket.
When he got to the garage he saw Steve waiting for him.
"Where's Happy?"
"What? Scared of my driving?" Not receiving an answer from Peter he moved on. Getting into the front seat.
"I gave him the rest of the day off."
"Oh."

'He didn't want to take care of you.'
'He doesn't like you.'
Stop.
'I can see why, selfish, immature, mutant-"
Quickly grabbing his wrist he calmly looked out the window. Digging his nails into the slits he made. This was the only way to calm his raging mind.
Did he like it? No...well. It was addicting but that didn't matter right?

He needed to feel something. That's what mattered.
When they got to shield hospital they walked in Steve said he was going to the bathroom and to go ahead and walk in. What he didn't know what that Steve was going to watch him.

Steve walked down the hallway and turned the corner, still having full view of Peter.

Peter walked to the door, raising his fist to knock he paused. Puzzlement etched across his face.

'Does he really want me here?'
'Do I really want to be here?'
Anxiety built in him, cementing itself into his brain.
He took a deep breath before moving his hand to the door knob.
Pausing again. He slowly turned it, before giving up and walking away. He paced back and forth pulling at his hair. He noticed the nurses and doctors giving him weird looks and he stopped. Insecurity making its way to the forefront of his mind.

'I can't do this...'
'This is a sign. Nobody wants you here.'
He sat in the chairs next to the door, he put his head in between his hands pulling at his hair again taking short and shallow breathes.

Steve walked up. "Hey bud, I thought you were going in?"

"I can't do this."

"Do what?"

Peter looked at him.
'If you tell him they will never trust you, they will stop loving you.'

So Peter just shook his head.
"Can I go home?"
'Failure. No good. Stuck up. Selfish. Pitiful. Stupid.'
Insults from his own brain kept coming.

He didn't tell anybody. Fear of the Unknown...at least that's what he tells himself.

But in reality. How do you tell someone that...

That your going to kill yourself?

*******************

I'm so sorry guys. I know I'm not the best.
And I know you guys probably want an explanation on why I haven't updated just know that I love y'all. All of y'all so much. The compliments and comments are everything to me. Thank you.

The next chapter might be the last chapter.

Again thanks for being patient with me.

Sorry I'm the author of this shitty post :/