The Nights of Stargazing

The Beginning - 2010 (Unedited)

I was in grade 9th, and it was a normal afternoon lunch break at my school. I remember, it was 16th August because it was the day after India celebrated its Independence day. I was having lunch in my class with my friends, when suddenly a classmate came to be to talk about one of the only two girl friends, I had back them. I have always been a shy, quite, reserved guy who always feel nervous around girls. Thus, I never really had many friends in girls since my childhood. Of the almost 100 girls in my grade, including every section from 9A till 9H, I had just 2 friends. Of them, one because she was my then-best friend's girlfriend. And the other because, she approached to talk to me. Lets name them A and S (Based on their actual initials).

Our friendship dates back to grade 7. S was already my best friend's gf so obviously we used to hang out together during lunch breaks. However, after school, I never used to meet any of the two girls. Infact, I hardly even used to leave my house to meet any of my guy friends because in the place I come from, such meetings are considered time wasting, and we are required to focus on better things like academics. S was my good friend and I made sure we remain that way. However, with A, things were a little different. I didn't really like her but she used to care for me somehow, ofcourse in a friendly way. And I did too. Thus I wanted to protect her from the "bad boys" of the school. I knew there were many.

That day, on 16th August, a classmate came to me to tell me that he heard that A likes one of the "bad boys" and they apparently went into a relationship. I felt betrayed because I asked her to promise me that she'll stay away from all such guys. I felt so let down. Her classroom was next to mine, and as soon as I heard the news, I was raging with frustration and anger. I left my lunch, and stormed out of my class. I couldn't believe she could betray my trust. I tried to calm myself down but it was just too much to take. My best friend was busy with his girlfriend, and the other 2 guys in our group were busy with their lunch. There was no one to calm me down. And in that anger, I did the stupidest things I have ever done, till now, in my life.

I rushed to her class. She was sitting on 2nd bench of 3rd row, with couple of other girls. I didn't think of anything and asked her to stand up and come to me near the white board. She listened. She came, and seeing me so angry probably scared her. She asked if I was okay. I was not. She can see. Everyone can see. But nobody cared to ask why? I asked her, "Is it true that you are in relationship with ---- (the bad guy's name) ?"

She understood. She didn't say anything for few seconds. I was raging. Her silence was making me feel how stupid I was to have believed when she said she wont break my trust. She looked up and said, "Who told you?" At that moment when i felt betrayed, she wanted to know who broke the news to me, instead of calming me down and making me understand what and why she did. I realized how selfish people can get when time comes. I didn't answer her. I took out the compass I had in my pocket. And I held it in my right hand, and asked her, if its true. She looked down again. Her silence gave me my answer, and "the hole in my mind" took care of the rest. I rushed the compass through my left hand, slitting apart my skin. Blood was everywhere and she freaked out. So did others in the class.

They called my best friend and he took me to infirmary. I got it treated and came back to class. She was nowhere to be seen. She didn't talk to me for next few days. Which became few months. And ultimately few years. We chatted for a while in between because we still crossed each others path but to see her not care for me anymore, and openly romance with the bad guy shook the faith I used to put in my friends.

We have since re-established contact, however the trust and the friendship will be missing, forever. Once lost, I cannot bring it back no matter how hard I try. I still remember she was the first girl who called me on my landline, and any first is special, right? Today when I think of it, I realize how stupid it was of my to act the way I did. I realize how I used to go crazy when I used to become emotional. But I also realized, since the beginning of time, I was alone in my fight. The friends I had put my trust me, turned out selfish when time came. And nobody actually cared to sit down with me, and listen to me. Most just heard me and next day, it used to be like nothing happened.

This incidence on the 16th day of August, 2008 was the beginning of my emotional roller coaster. Little did I know, worst was yet to come.