The Bully's Nerd

Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Two

(A/N: Please listen to the song on the side while you read this chapter. I listened to it while I wrote this and I think it will make you understand a bit better.)

      The ride home was full of muttered curse words and phrases of wisdom, courtesy of Jaqueline. I just blocked everything out and leaned against the window, watching the trees and street signs whoosh by. My body was telling me to cry and scream and throw everything in sight, but I couldn't. I just couldn't physically cry any more than I already have the past couple of weeks. My mom has only been gone for a month and I'm still hoping that she'll come back and tell me it's going to be ok. Once we parked in front of my house, I got off the car and darted into my room, locking the door. Outside the door, I could hear Jake and Jaqueline asking me to open the door, cooing as if I was a child who got frightened.

      Not wanting to hear them, I grabbed my headphones and my iPod. The music began to play and my eyes closed, hoping that when I opened them I wouldn't feel so suffocated. Their pleas were drowned out by Coldplay, but even with the hard bass and loud volume, I couldn't drown out my own thoughts. I laid there for God knows how long, before Jake busted through my door, relief taking over his face when he saw me. "Lenne I can't do this. You can't act like nothing is going on, ok? Please don't do that. You can't." Jake pleaded, stepping closer to the bed slowly. The caution in his body language made me think of myself as some deer that could get scared off by the most subtle sound or movement. "No one is asking you to do anything Jake. Get out. I don't need fucking counseling. Especially not from you." I said replied bluntly, turning away and facing the wall. Before I could turn my music back up, he ripped my iPod out of my hands and threw it on the other side of my bed. His eyes read confusion and irritation, my attitude probably causing both.

      "Who did this to you? Who fucked you up so bad emotionally and mentally that you've completely shut down anyone who tries to help you? You don't talk about your feelings or what gives you those panic attacks. You push good people or, at least, the people who choose to care, away. You refuse to open up and let anyone care for or love you correctly. Who fucking did that to you, because I know that when I first met you, you were already broken. I want to undo everything I did Lenne, but I have no idea how. You don't seem to know how to open up to someone. Maybe because so many times, you've gotten the door slammed in your face. At some point, you have to get up and try to let go of everything and everyone who hurt you or else you'll be stuck in the same place forever." I was staring at him blankly at this point, silent tears rolling down my face.

      "Shut up! Shut up! Just stop ok? You don't know anything. It's hard to let go of so many things when the person you became revolves those situations. People fail to tell you that once people get hurt and they break when they are young, it's hard to pick up the pieces and put them back together when they're older. You constantly fight things in your head and constantly go at war with yourself and these memories that pain you just by replaying over and over again. Those panic attacks? Well, in those moments everything is too much. My chest tightens and it doesn't matter if you're right in front of me or not, in that moment nothing exists. I constantly live in this fear that every time something goes right, something will shatter it all. My anxiety mocks me by making me sit there and overthink every single thing until I'm physically tired Jake. I'm physically tired of crying, of panic, of pain, of being hurt. When someone in your life that is supposed to stay leaves, it puts you in a depressed state of mind. And I pray, and pray and pray but sometimes I wonder if anyone is listening to me because when I look up, everything is the same and I still have to deal with the same people." I exclaimed at him, letting out a dry chuckle. I was standing face to face with him, my hands trembling and my body tensing up. He just stared at me with the same expression, angry tears flowing down both our faces. His jaw was set and the emotion behind his eyes was unreadable now.

      "You can't keep holding onto this. Look what it's doing to you. It's fucking hard to see good hearted people become cold hearted because of idiots in the world. I'm not the best person Lenne. In fact, I have no room to talk considering what I did but sometimes, you have to just accept that some people and things are no longer part of this chapter in your life. There are two reasons people don't talk about things. They either mean nothing to them or everything. I think you cared too much, it meant too much, and it destroyed you in the end." He whispered, placing his hand on my cheek. Jake's tears were still there but his voice never wavered. Not even once.

      "You lose yourself and get destroyed when you hold onto someone who doesn't care about losing you. That's how it happens. Knowing that you weren't good enough to keep them in your life. That breaks you. It destroys you when you realize that they continue living while you're still counting up the aftermath." I sob out, pulling out of his grasp and kneeling down by the side of my bed. I close my eyes and begin to pray, clutching my hands within one another tightly. The tears were still rolling down my face and suddenly I felt the body heat radiated off him from beside me. Opening my eyes, I see that Jake was kneeling beside, his hands exactly like mine were. His intense eyes were wandering my facial features and when he spoke up, his voice was raspy. "Remember how you said you weren't sure if someone was listening? Well, now you can be sure that someone is listening. Whether it be from above or just me." He said silently, scooting closer and taking my folded hands in his.

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Honestly, writing this chapter brought me to tears. Peaches, I never want you to feel like you're alone in anything. Whether it be me or someone else, I can promise that someone is always willing to listen. Life is so beautiful my dears. Silence sometimes is poison. If you're going through something today and you ever feel like hurting yourself or taking your own life, please call 1–800–273-TALK or 1–800-DONT-CUT. These are confidential crisis lifelines. Please know that I love you guys and that you'll never be alone. -Aime