Dear Liam,
Hello, love. I know it must seem crazy that I’m writing this but everyone says it might help me get out my sadness. I personally don’t see the point. You’re gone and you aren’t coming back. So, maybe I should just reminisce about us, yeah?
I remember every single day I spent with you. From the first day all the way to the last. I remember every feeling, every touch, every fight, and every breath. How could I forget? It’s engraved inside my mind because it was all I had to live for.
So maybe I should start from the beginning. We met in Wolverhampton on a cold winter evening. I was just getting off work at my family’s bakery and you were getting home from university, studying airplanes I believe. It was snowing and you being the gentleman you are didn’t let me drive home in that. I was curious at first, you were a beautiful stranger who only had kind intentions, and there aren’t many of those these days. We got to my house and you walked me to my doorstep, we exchanged numbers, and that was that.
Then there was the second time we met, about three weeks later. I hadn’t called you and you hadn’t called me. But I never forgot about you, you were always there in the back of my mind. I was walking across the street and you almost ran me over, and after you apologized about 5 million times. Once again you drove me home, but this time when we got to my door you planted a light kiss on my lips. From then on we texted and called each other every day.
That’s when we started going out regularly. I remember once you took me on a simple walk around the park, it was simple yet probably one of my most favorite places we ever went. It was chilly, still getting over the winter, so you let me wear your jacket. That was the first time I spent the night with you.
After a year, you took me to your family’s farm right outside of town. We rode horses, had dinner with your family, and then you pulled me out to the barn. You took you hand in mine and led me up the stairs to the attic, where there were rose petals everywhere. You pulled me over to a small circle mahogany table that was set with a single lit candle and a little black box. I remember every word you said to me:
“I know it’s early on but I can’t wait any longer. I need to make you mine, forever. I love everything about you, Claire. The way you wrinkle your nose when something smells bad, the way you walk on your tippy toes when you’re nervous, the way your hair flows in the wind. Everything. So, I’m hoping you love everything about me too. Claire, will you marry me?”
I said yes and then you took me up into your arms. We made our way back inside and told your family. They rejoiced, then we went back into town and told mine, again they rejoiced.
Fours months after we got married, we had our first fight. I remember distinctly what it was about. We had gotten married when we were only everything was coming so fast, and we had gotten caught up in it. I thought everything was moving too fast, you thought it was going too slow. Awful things were said but I said the worst.
“I wish I had never met you, Liam! I hate you!”
I didn’t mean it, Liam. I swear I didn’t. A single tear rolled down your cheek and you ran out of the house in a fit of rage. I ran out after you but I was too late. Before I knew it you had stormed into the street and the car came faster than you could move. It hit you and you were on the ground.
I never even got to say goodbye. By the time I got to your body, you were gone. I guess it was a good thing in a way, because you felt no pain. I blamed myself, and I still to this day blame myself. I lost you because of my stupid mouth. I’m so sorry, Liam. I’m so so so sorry.
Everything in my life went bad that day. Everyone stopped seeing me as the girl in love, and started seeing me as the pitiful girl in mourning. I think I stopped caring about living. My mum tried to make me better, but every attempt failed. I still never talk to anyone.
Sometimes I talk to you though, Liam. I’ll be sitting in my room at the hospital and you’ll be there, sitting by my bed looking at me with a grin. I’ll talk to you about how sorry I am and you’ll tell me it’s okay. But those days, when I see you, are the worst because I realize that it was a dream and that no matter what I’ll never be able to properly say sorry.
I guess what I’m trying to get across is, I can’t go on anymore. Life without you isn’t life at all. Today will be the day that I finally give up for good. I’ll see you by the time night falls, Liam. I can’t wait to see you again and for it to not be a dream. I’ve already got the rope up and tied, now I just have to finish writing this, and I’ll be on my way. I’ll be on my way to you.
-Claire
