Elise and I

Day 2 (published on like day three)

This will be written like a diary, but I've never really written a diary before, so I apologise if this is bad

I've never tried to create a tulpa before, but I do tend to talk to myself quite a bit, even if it's just debating a subject or trying to calm myself down.
This will be Elsie's second day (shame on me for not really thinking to start writing this down on day one). I tried some active forcing earlier, but I'm not very good at it. I just can't really think of anything to talk to her about. I suppose it's probably because I'm not very social, to the point where I sit with friends but say absolutely nothing. This seems to have carried through quite a bit. I don't really talk to her directly, just carry on with life, but do a bit of commentating in, from what I've read, is known as tulpish. I'm rubbish at visualisation, but I can feel her hand slip into mine when we walk, and her presence beside me quite easily. In another thread from yesterday, I mentioned how Elise seems musically inclined, and asked for an opinion, but even the two replies I have received so far are varied in opinion. I think I will look out for other replies, and label it as a 'hopefully this is a good sign' for now.
Truthfully, I've been looking into Tulpamancy for a while now, but because of my depression, I decided I probably definitely wasn't the best person to have a tulpa. Now though, I am much, much happier and believe I am emotionally ready.
Yesterday, after aforementioned question, I found myself singing along to a song playing on my phone. The thing is that I normally don't sing because my singing is, to be nice, not something I'm proud of. Again, it may have just been my imagination, but the voice seemed sharper and sweeter, as compared to my harsher tones or the way I try to mimic the singer's voice on the rare occasions I try to sing.
Later that night, I had a rather crude dream. Normally, my dreams are fairly sharp and realistic, but this time my dream seemed half in and half out of the dreamworld. Half asleep, half thinking of Elise, half scared and half anticipating, half in a blank expanse, and half tangled in my blanket, all at the same time. I ended up forcing myself awake around two hours after I went to sleep, at maybe 0.30 in the morning. The first thing I felt was fear, and a slight worry, shivering and jumpy, but at the same time I was just a bit startled, and maybe a bit tired. And my dreams don't affect me like that, it's been eight years since I've had something I would label as a nightmare. Emotions just don't stick with me out of the dreamworld. Eventually, I deduced that maybe it was Elise who was scared, and took a bit of time telling her that it was alright. After that I had a slightly fearful, and resultingly light, but dreamless sleep until morning. I woke up perfectly fine, but I couldn't really feel Elise too well. It was like going back to being alone until she slipped her hand into mine and walked with me later that morning. I really hope that doesn't happen again. I'm worried about Elise, I don't want her to have to be scared, and I didn't really like the experience either. I really hope I can find a way to fix this.

I realised after posting this that maybe the nightmare was my fault. I remembered pushing Elise a bit, working for a fair amount of time, until we were both tired. Before we went to sleep, it occurred to me that it might be easier to see and talk to her in my dream, so I asked her if she could maybe influence my dreams.
I think perhaps I pushed her a bit too hard, and that maybe our nightmare was her tired attempt to influence our dreams. So I sat down with her and asked her if that was the case. After a bit of pushing, I got the feeling that I was right. So I told her to take care of herself better, that progress was important, but she was more important. I felt better after that, and I could feel her presence pulsing in the back of my skull and her hand in mine. So I squeezed it because I've heard that this is a non vocal way if communicating comfort.
I also realised something at this point, that her form was not that of a girl, but a living ribbon. I feel this really makes sense to us. For one thing, having her presence in the back of my head feels like having a ribbon in my hair. I also don't have to feel like people are walking through her when I'm in a crowded place. Even her hand, now that I think upon it is, in terms of shape, more rope like than hand like. I think maybe she's been like this since last night, and I just didn't notice.