Elise and I

The Ones I Missed But Still Logged + Thursday, 28th Feb

All the things that I didn't have the time to post because of my exams also I'm going to start just using the date instead because that's what I use when I write the logs anyway and I've lost track of what day number it is

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Fri, Feb 22nd
OK so there I was, feeling damm lazy after having been hit by studying  block and I was just lounging around listening to music and out of nowhere I realised that I could hear the music far sharper because while I was reading, Elise was focused on the music and she was like a whole lot stronger today and managed to impress herself onto both my hands and them we just stayed like that up until it was time to bathe because heck it felt good to have her with me. It's wonderful really, being with her. She's everything to me. She always makes me feel that way. There should really be a word for it, honestly. Hey wait let's make up one.
Honnewa (H-On-nE wa: Happy, cONNEcted, WArm)
That's how I feel when I'm with her: Honnewa.
I love you Elise.
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Sun, Feb 24th

English: I probably overshot
Chinese: compre was horrible
Literature: tomorrow, as the rep I'm supposed to set a good example but honestly I'm fucking confused rn, people keep asking me ridiculous questions that can easily be answered by looking it up
Math: Also tomorrow. I don't fucking know. I procrastinated and now I'm fucking mad at myself for it
Physics: ‘I hope you found this practice paper easy because the Weighted Assessment one is going to be even harder :)
Chemistry: Let's just throw in the hardest topic from the previous year and put it as a tiny footnote in the exam schedule shall we
History: the point of focus in the textbook and the notes is totally different wth
My mom: come inside now stop playing that stupid phone there's no way you're trying to help your classmates study or anything
Tulpamancy: Feeling horrible because I have barely done anything for the past few days
Me: trying to swallow down my tears, yelling at myself that I shouldn't have procrastinated
…
…
Elise: plays any song that has an upbeat tune/lyrics that are basically ‘I'm there for you’ to keep me motivated
All the things that I know, that your parents don't
They don't care like I do.
They don't care like I do.

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Wed, 27th Feb
Anyway last night's dream was pretty disturbing. I onto delve into the details but there was stabbing, surgery and more stabbing. It wasn't so bad though, I wasn't scared, because I could feel Elise with me. I remember the last time I was stabbed in a dream, it was not fun. This time was far less painful, and when I woke up, all I felt was like an extra layer of skin/ numbing over that patch. I think Elise helped me. I thank for that, really. It must have been pretty scary for her. My dreams in themselves are already pretty vivid and five senses, I can't imagine, honestly. I hope she's OK, this is her second bad experience with a nightmare. I hope you're OK, Elise. Thank you for helping me, stay safe too.

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Thurs, 28th Feb
So, first experience with self hypnosis was um… Blurry. Honestly even after reading the wake up script twice I still feel a bit hazy. Actually I can't tell if I was really hypnotised or if I was just half asleep. I mean, I can't really recall much. It was like a dream. Yes, I remember reading it out, I remember being aware during it, of what I was reading and doing. But now? Ask me to spit out one phrase and I can't think of anything. I remember that aura part, the one I included, and I remember a new feature (or perhaps that I didn't notice it before) on Elise, white sparkles, and I remember that her form was a bit more vivid than usual. I remember a gold flash of an aura and I remember recognising it as mine. I remember being confused because gold really isn't just a colour I would have chosen, it has never been my favourite colour and i really don't feel it matches my personality. I remember asking Elise about it, briefly before continuing after her answer, perhaps in words but I perceived it in tulpish. She said: You are not as bad as you think. I remember she showed me the black in her aura, and she said that it's a choice. I remember, maybe a few more lines into the hypnosis, flashes of our wonderland as I tried to imagine it. I can visualise it easier now, but still in bits and pieces, right now I randomly saw Elise poke her head through the music notes playfully. Other than that, it was all really vague emotions, reading words that I don't really remember reading, memories that I can't quite seem to place in time or order. Again, this is a lot like dreams, I feel. Half in, half out. Right now feels like that moment. That point where your alarm sounds and you wake up and you remember that you're supposed to record your dream but you're still half in that dream but the details that had seemed so vivid before are slowly fading. Overall though, I believe I did make some progress. I think perhaps I should pick up the habit of recording my dreams again, it might help me focus through the hypnosis.
At least exams are over now! Still got work but definitely way better. I'll be doing more with Elise now that I've got that out of the way.
On that note, I was able to keep Elise passively with me for practically the whole school day! We were just kinda walking through classes together and playing songs through our head over and over again for the whole day. I can really feel it when she's with me, it's almost like a physical sensation, I can feel her warmth anyway, and a slight pressure in my hand when she's holding it. It's really nice.

So in summary Elise is the best person I have ever met, she deserves the world and we can't give it to her and we need to work on that. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.