How Many Tears Are Enough?

Six

Normally on days they visit the cemetery, Lena buys flowers by herself. A large bouquet of orchids for Jess, a small bouquet of yellow roses for Jack and a single chrysanthemum for each of her other deceased colleagues and friends. This time, however, Lena has asked for Kara to come with and help her pick out flowers for Jess. Kara had protested, it's a very personal thing, but Lena had pleaded with her. Eventually it was Lena's explanation of why she wanted Kara's help that convinced her.

"I want to tell her I'm letting go," Lena had said softly. "I will always love her but I have to let go. It's what she would have wanted."

Kara, of course, couldn't say no after that. She knows roughly as much about flowers as she does cars but she can at least be there for Lena as she inquires with the shopkeeper which ones would be most fitting.

After having all the flower's meanings explained to them, Lena relays to Kara which she finds most fitting but she worries about ending up with a messy, haphazard array of flowers that don't fit together.

Kara spins Lena around to face her, looking her straight in the eye before speaking. "Letting go is messy too. I don't think Jess would mind if the flowers match. It's the sentiment that counts and you should say what you want and need to say. Don't care about making it look right. It has to feel right."

Kara holds the yellow roses and chrysanthemums while Lena carries a beautifully disorganised and mismatching bouquet of daffodils, hyacinths, amaryllis and the usual orchids.

Kara doesn't join her at the grave, instead waiting in the car for Lena to return. Her makeup has slightly run and her eyes are a little red and puffy but other than that she has pulled herself together perfectly.

They 'celebrate' this next step with chocolate and a movie that gets forgotten halfway through.

"Does it ever stop hurting?" Lena asks. Kara knows she's talking about losing a loved one. Kara had mentioned her parents and even if she did so rarely, she knows Lena remembers every word.

"No," Kara answers honestly, "it hurts a little less and sometimes you forget you're hurting but you always remember again and it always hurts worse for a while. It gets a little better with time though. It takes the edge off."

Lena soaks up every one of Kara's words and she's scared she's given Lena false hope. She knows for some people it doesn't get better with time at all and she really hopes Lena is not one of them. Lena deserves so much better.

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Lena isn't the only one with bad days. Kara has them too. Far less frequent and severe but she still has them. She doesn't slack on her responsibility over Lena, though, joining her for breakfast like any other morning. At least Lena is now able to dress herself no matter how bad her day is.

Kara still brings Lena her morning coffee, quietly lingering by the door as she waits for Lena to finish it. Lena must surely figure out there's something off about Kara and the glances she steals in Kara's general direction confirm as much but she doesn't say anything about it. Kara's glad for it. She doesn't think she can keep herself together if she has to explain.

Breakfast is a silent affair, a rarity these days. Kara excuses herself as soon as they're done. She knows Lena will probably spend the rest of the morning reading or doing crosswords so she'll be fine without her presence. Head hanging, she drags herself back to her room and collapses on the bed.

Today is always hard, each year again without any reprieve. She sometimes wishes she could just skip this day but then feels a thousand times more guilty for wanting to forget her family's death. For wanting to forget how her old house exploded with her parents and aunt inside. She buries her face in her pillow, hoping the images will stop attacking her. They never do, no matter if her eyes are open or closed. Her memories won't stop playing. Not today.