Love Is Pain

Who Am I?

Woke up this morning realizing that it was Sunday which meant another day of church. As I got ready I was praying that plans had changed and we didn't have to go (not knowing that today was going to change my life completely).

Mom: I really hope that you are ready for church, KaMiyah.

Me: I been ready!

Mom: Well your smart ass on then.

As we pulled up into the parking lot, everything seemed pretty normal. I walked in said my hellos , gave my hugs and went to the back to put on my choir robe.  Once i reached back there I was greeted by my loves Miya , Porsh , Shelly & Shi.

Miya: I thought you weren't coming.

Me: I should be saying that to you ! Y'all ready to sing?

Miya: Am I ever ready?

Shi: im ready to get it over.

Shelly: You aint lied yet

Aunt Andy: Come on yall so we can pray & go out.

As prayer is being done the only thing that was going through my head is getting back home to sleep. But once we entered the choir stand thats when I was awaken & my breath was taken away from me.

Me: Porsh who is that?

Porsh: I don't know but who ever he is , he can get it any day.

Me: Nah that's gone be mines

Shelly: If y'all talking about the new boy I already called dibs

Me: Nah just wait and see

All through service we sat trying to figure out how one of us could get this gorgeous human being before the other one did. Until...

First lady: If we have any visitors will please stand up and state your name , church home and leave us with some words of encouragement.

Key: Hello, I'm Keyana and I'm here visiting my family.

Everyone was taken by surprise & frozen. No one knew what to do nor say. Like how could we mistaken her for something she is not? And most importantly how could we.. how could I find another girl attractive?

Shelly: Yall can have at that because I'm not with it.

Porsh: Girl who you telling. KaMiyah thats all yours!

Me: Chill we all know we don't get like that so just let it go! It was a honest mistake , but you can't lie she is cute though.

Porsh: Yeah I think you are gay and you just don't know it yet.

I just ignored what she said but it stuck with me for the rest of service... Could i be gay? Have i been lying to myself about my sexuality? No, snap out of it...! It was just an honest mistake. While going to take my seat after the choir had song I noticed that the only available seat was right next to Key. My body started clench up as I began to get nervous making my way there. As i sat down i swear my heart began to beat rapidly .. almost if you could see and hear it through my chest.

Key: You want some candy?

Me: No I'm fine.

(Girl take the candy.. it's just candy and she is just a girl! Just like any other girl)

Key: You sure? It's the watermelon kind and everyone loves watermelon ... it's my favorite personally.

Me: Huff, I'll take one since you said its watermelon and its your favorite.

Key: Smh, I knew i could win you over . Acting shy and what not.

Me: I wasn't being shy I just had to get a feel on you... I mean of you.

Key: lol i know exactly what you meant. But check this out we will talk later because the old people are beginning to stare.

Me: Of course , anytime.

As she passed me the candy we touched hands and it sent a sensation through my body like never before. Especially not from just touching hands. And for the rest of service i sat there trying to think of another reason to touch her. But didn't wanna come off the wrong way because I wasn't gay... or was i ?

After church we exchanged or goodbyes and went our separate ways. But for some reason not only just that day but that whole week all i could think was Key. I even talked about her more than i should have and I couldn't wait to go to church just to see her.

Me: Where is she at and why didn't she come to church? What jf she never come back and we don't see each other again? Or maybe she woke up late and didnt have a ride... Man she was cool people

Porsh: She finally realizing she likes girls.

Me: No, thats not the case. I just care about everyones where abouts when they don't show their face somewhere.

Porsh: And you like her, KaMiyah come now! You seen this girl once , exchanged some words , hugged and now you worried about why she ain't come to church. She is all you talk about so I know you think about her like crazy! So face the facts and welcome yoself into the world you belong.

Me: What about my boyfriend?

Porsh: The one you always say no to? The one you always play to the side? Girl that's yo cover up.... You don't even fuck with him outside of school.

(Could she be right? Am I really gay? Or was it really just a one time thing? Could I see myself with a girl? And was Marquise really my cover up? How could something so wrong feel so right? The way she smile, the way she laugh, the way she wore her hair even when it wasnt done... FUCK.! I think I am gay..