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I WAS ATTACKED (serious)
20k views
description: sub or loki will break into your house and steal your dog... also can someone make me thumbnails pls mine are. . .ugly
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The intro appears: a shaky video of Pietro slapping the camera out of Clint's hands. HAWKEYE VLOGS shoots across the screen. Fade to Clint sitting on a couch, his head in his hands. He looks distraught.
CLINT: So, I didn't know how to start this video. (SIGH). It's a very serious thing that I'm going to speak about today.
He shifts forward and stares deeply into the viewer's soul. He does not blink.
CLINT: Let me start at the beginning. I went down to my favorite coffee place today.
CLINT: So, what can a guy do? Go to Starbucks, right? I did that.
A loud sniff, he looks away. Vignette screen borders darken the surroundings in the video.
CLINT: I walk in. Place is busy. Stand in line for a few minutes. The usual. (LEANS BACK). I get to the counter. Gal asks, "What will it be?" I reply, "Dark roasted coffee." Give my name, y'know, go through the process. Guy behind me takes my place.
Shakes his head slowly. Looks betrayed.
CLINT: He orders the same drink as me, and I'm like yeah, right on, dude. Anyway, things are going smoothly. I take a seat, wait a while.
He chuckles darkly. Another zoom in, this time onto his soulless eyes.
CLINT: They call my name. Now this is where everything goes wrong. So wrong.
He rubs his hand across his face, takes a deep breath. Doesn't move for two minutes straight.
CLINT: They gave me a damn Vanilla Latte. A Vanilla Latte. What the hell am I supposed to do with that, huh? Shit, man that isn't going to kick me into functioning.
A shaky snippet of the Vanilla Latte, recorded on his phone, plays on the screen. He can be heard grumbling in the background.
CLINT: Now get this, the guy who ordered the same as me? They got his order right. Guy comes and sits next to me. Sipping the coffee. I'm livid at that point.
A poorly taken picture of said guy whizzes on the screen. It's blurry, and the viewer can vaguely discern the man's features as they're obscured by his black cap.
CLINT: I say nothin'. Sit there and sip my ridiculous Vanilla Latte---though, mind you, it was actually pretty good.
CLINT: That's when I sense somethings up. This guy? He's got this vibe right, this aura. Like if you look at him wrong, he'll punch your jaw right off.
Pause of contemplation.
CLINT: So I do what any other person would do.
CLINT: I stared at him.
Wanda's voice in the background, uncertain what she's saying. Clint scowls at her. Her laughter fades as she leaves the room.
CLINT: So this guy, this damn. . .monster. He gets up, marches to the counter, right? Purposeful and all. I'm thinking he wants another drink, because he downed the first one like it was nothing. It was scalding, too.
Another blurry picture appears onscreen, it's of an empty cup.
CLINT: He gets there, behind the next customer ordering.
Intense music starts playing.
CLINT: And he slams this customer's head right onto the counter. People start screaming, he's screaming for us to get out. These other dudes pop outta nowhere, like they were chilling in the shadow realm. Their guns are out, and they start shooting.
Crescendo of intense music. Clint's eyes look deranged. His hands are shooting everywhere as he explains.
CLINT: Coffee guy is fighting six guys at once. I'm just sitting there, right, sipping my Vanilla Latte. One of the six guys charges at me for no reason.
A short snippet of Nick Fury swearing plays.
CLINT: I spilled my Vanilla Latte dodging. Coffee guy sees, and he comes to my aid, slams a chair onto my attacker.
CLINT: I'm so confused at that point. What's going on? Will I be able to order another Vanilla Latte? What's going on? Who is coffee guy?
CLINT: You won't BELIEVE who coffee guy is.
Surprise sound effect, a picture of Frank Castle appears on screen, scales down to hover beside Clint.
CLINT: (EXCITEDLY) THE PUNISHER.
CLINT: He's bleeding, like, I mean like a fountain. But the six guys? They're knocked out, or dead I think.
CLINT: Yeah so that's the story of how I was ATTACKED.
CLINT: Still can't get over it, man.
Natasha appears beside Clint. She gives a deadpan stare. Camera is punched by her. Shaky, falling footage. Glimpse of carpet. Fade to black.
