We've been here for a few weeks now. The work we have to do makes everything inside me ache. The small amount of food we get is never enough to satisfy. It only just keeps us alive.
"I hate this," I admit to Will, lying down beside him. His arms wrap around me quickly, like they do every night, and I rest my head on his chest as he sighs. "I really, really hate this."
"I know. Me too," he murmurs into my ear, his voice soft. I love the way he talks into my ear like that. It brings back that wonderful tingle, and makes me feel warm no matter how cold it is. But then he stops talking, and although his arms are still around me, I remember where we are. Why we're here. And I feel like it's my fault.
"You should've just let me fall."
There's a sudden silence, and I instantly regret saying it. And then, I feel a sob shake through his body. A sob I caused.
"No. Don't say that. Don't ever, ever say that to me."
"It would be better that way. You'd still be in Dauntless. You wouldn't have to stay here."
"No, Christina. It wouldn't be better," his grip on me tightens. "You would've died. That is in no way better than living like this."
As he speaks, I feel something melt inside me. It feels so nice to have someone care about me in that way. It feels so nice to feel like someone loves me.
"You mean that?"
I have to keep asking him thid question whenever he says something kind to me. I'm not used to it, and I live in constant fear that he'll grow sick of me one day and just leave me. The thought breaks my heart.
What's up with me?
"Yes. I mean it. I care about you."
"I care about you too."
I feel his lips press against the top of my head, sending a shiver down my spine. A good kind of shiver.
"Good. Sweet dreams."
"You too."
I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, although I can tell I'm going to have a restless night tonight. When I feel Will's breaths fall into the rhythmic pattern they always fall into when he's asleep, I finally open my eyes. I don't move. If I move I'll just wake him up. And I don't want him to wake up. He should sleep. He needs to; he's looked so tired lately. Instead I just lie in the same position, breathing in his familiar scent, and letting my mind wander.
After a few hours, I find myself thinking about the one I'm beside right now. How I feel when he holds me, when he absent-mindedly plays with my hair. How it would feel to kiss him. To have our lips touching, our bodies pressed together.
It's this thought that finally sends me off to sleep.
***
"You didn't sleep well last night," Will observes as he looks over at me. I look away and avoid his gaze; I don't want him worrying about me.
"I'm fine," I try to lie, but I can tell he doesn't believe me. I look over to him as he reaches for my hand, and force a smile as he raises an eyebrow at me.
"You're not. You should rest today. You look like you're about to pass out."
"Too many people here are sick, Will. We have to work," I shrug one shoulder and look down, trying not to show how dizzy I feel.
"And everyone needs a day off. Go and lie down. Please."
I shake my head and squeeze his hand gently.
"Honestly. I'll be fine."
He studies me for a long while, his wonderful leaf-green eyes searching mine. I get lost in them for a moment.
"Okay. Fine," he moves closer to me and puts a hand on my arm. "But I'm still worried about you, okay? And if you feel... ill at all, you have to rest. Please. If not for you then for me."
I nod an agreement as a small smile crosses my lips, and then I can't help but throw my arms around him and hold him tightly. "Hey," he chuckles, holding me back just as hard, "it's okay."
I smile wider and bury my face into his chest, savouring his scent and his warmth. I don't want to let go. In this moment, with him, it's almost like I can forget everything else around me, and just focus purely on him. His breaths. His arms around me, the way he holds me in a protective grip, like he won't ever let anyone hurt me. Everything I love about him.
***
I just about manage to struggle through the day, although Will keeps checking up on me every five seconds. I know it should annoy me. But instead, it's what helps me through the day. Knowing that I have someone right beside me who would catch me if I passed out. Someone I can turn and talk to if I feel the need to. Someone who's there, no matter what.
I've never had that before.
"I hope you sleep better tonight," he tells me as we eat what little food we've been given. He tries to offer me his own as well, but I wave it away, insisting that he has to eat.
"Stop worrying about me, Will. I'm not worth that," I shrug and look down at my hands.
"Hey," I feel his arm slide around me in a comforting way, "you are worth that. You're worth it to me."He lifts my chin so I have to look at him. "You're always gonna be worth it to me."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
