Vents

It's scary

it's scary to me that I have all these expectations to live up to as so many firsts for so many things and I'm afraid at every turn that I might fuck it up for her and be a bad experience, that I might scare her away, in terrified that my body isn't what she wants, and than she'll only ever think of me as less than what she'd been offered before. I'm scared out of my mind that I won't be able to make her happy in that aspect. I'm not even concerned about my own satisfaction anymore, although she probably wouldn't like what it is that does give me that satisfaction. I wonder if I'll ever be enough, even if she believes I am, there's so much about love that she hasn't seen yet. She hasn't seen the sobbing at 3am over a guy that could take my place, she hasn't seen me get distracted reading all those notes, but what she also doesn't realize is that it's not her job to strive for my complete happiness. My happiness is my own responsibility. She should be her own priority, she shouldn't need my love to be whole. Her heart should be whole on her own, love is meant to make that whole overflow. Don't get me wrong, it may scare me how dependent she is on me but I'd never leave her. I haven't thought about it and probably won't ever. I absolutely can't promise her forever, but I can promise her I'll work for a forever for us. I guess that's what brought me into her life in the first place, because she says that because of me she knows what love is. But she doesn't, she knows what love feels like but she doesn't know the terms and conditions of the feeling. I'm getting into my own head again, but I'm just gonna go read the notes again. The jar that is nearly overflowing, with tiny notes from her. I'll figure it out. I have to. I need to. I want to. I want to help her see how important she should be to herself.