Starry Night

eighteen

I freeze. "What are you talking about?"

"My mother died."

"When?"

"Last fall."

How could this be? Last fall? "But . . ." I can't even talk right. "What do you mean? How?"

"She killed herself."

Without warning, tears flood my eyes. "No. That's impossible."

Jungkook slips the cards into their cardboard sleeve. "She attempted once and failed. Her boyfriend found her and got her to the hospital in time for the doctors to pump her stomach. She said it was just an overdose of pain pills, and that she didn't mean to, but her boyfriend didn't believe her. And he was right. Because a few days later, she did it again. Successfully."

I'm crying now, not making any noise, but stinging tears are tickling my cheeks, plopping onto the nylon floor of the tent. "I didn't know."

Jungkook's expression is somber. "I know you didn't. Almost no one at school noticed. I mean, I thought you might hear . . . It was in the paper. It trended online for a few hours." He shakes his head softly.

"I didn't hear," I whisper, lifting my fingers to wipe away tears from my eyes. "I'm so sorry. I just don't understand why I didn't hear. And I don't understand . . . Your mom was happy. She was so funny, always laughing. How . . . ?"

"She'd been on antidepressants for years and didn't tell anyone she'd stopped taking them. She started obsessing about her music career being over. She was depressed that no one cared or remembered."

"That's not true! People still  buy their albums."

"Barely. And she had a skewed idea of her success. I mean, how many people can say they had their songs played on the radio? But she didn't see it that way. She wasn't making much off royalties anymore, and the band was never huge - not like others. I don't know. I guess being forced to work a nine-to-five job was failure to her. She couldn't handle being normal."

"Oh, Jungkook."

He nods, eyes downcast.

Did no one in our group know? The way Bogum and Hyejeong were talking about his mom when Seolhyun drove us to the glamping compound - and what was said about him during the big fight last night - I'm almost positive they didn't realize.

I know Jungkook didn't see his mother every day - or even every month - but Jungkook was closer to Minyoung than I am to my dad. And now I'm thinking about RM and Jin, and how they have been grieving too. And I never acknowledged it. What kind of monster do they like I am?

"When was the funeral?" I ask.

"Last October."

When everything fell apart between us. The homecoming dance. The sex shop opening. My dad fighting with RM and Jin.

Is this the reason why?

It makes no sense. Why would he shut me out? "I should have been at the funeral."

Pained eyes flick to mine. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

His face turns rigid, and he grabs the bag of trail mix. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I do! I should have been there. Didn't you want me there?"

"Yes, I wanted you there!" he shouts, startling me. "My mom died. It was the worst time of my life. Of course I wanted you there, but . . ." He squeezes his eyes shut and lowers his voice. "Look, it's getting late, and we're both tired. I don't want to talk about it."