A Peculiar Solace {Hardzello Love Story}

Seven

When Joe met with the doctor for the final time, he opened to about himself. About his depression. About never feeling like he is enough. He confessed that death would have been an outlet for him. A way to stop the pain. It wasn't rude or selfish, it wasn't mean or bad. It was heartbreaking. And while it was Joe's decision, in the end, that didn't mean it wasn't always the choice to make.

Joe confessed that he was still sad and tired. That he still wanted to enter the void. But he also admitted that he would miss a lot more things than he first thought. More than just food, though there was a lot of different types of food he hadn't tried yet.

And more than movies, though there were a lot of different movies he hadn't seen yet.

He would miss baseball. Playing it and watching it. He had so many memories of his brother and father playing the game. They seemed so distant now, but they were still something he cherished.

He would miss his family, even if a large part of it was gone. And he would miss his friends, though he didn't see them often. He would miss his work, even if nobody else appreciated it but himself.

And he would miss Ben, even if they couldn't be together.

Joe knew he would die eventually and for now, that was enough to hold him off from speeding up the process. He knew that surviving was important, but what he really wanted was to live. And when his 30-day stay was up, that's exactly what he planned to do.

When it came time to say goodbye, he found it bittersweet. He hadn't made any real friends there, but the nurses were nice and after getting used to seeing them every day it would be a strange change for him.

When he went to find Ben, to say goodbye, he found him leaving Gwilym's room. The taller man was holding a box tightly in his arms, thanking Ben over and over again. When Ben spotted Joe in the hallway, he made his way over.

"Had a friend of mine drop off some old magazine covers I did; thought I'd make it up to him for ripping up his picture."

"Did you sign them all?"

"Every last one."

"Think he's going to jerk off to them?"

"Oh, without a doubt."

The two smiled, standing there. Ben, dressed in white. Joe, dressed in khaki colored pants and a red plaid shirt.

"Think you'll ever leave this place?"

Ben shrugged, looking around. "It's not so bad. They're having chocolate cake tonight."

"Right. Of course, they are." Not one fucking sweet since he arrived and now they deserve the cake? These fucking bastards. "Well. If you're ever in New York. Hit me up."

"That is the straights thing you've ever said to me," Ben commented.

Joe rolled his eyes but stepped in for an embrace. Ben tightened his hold, practically shoving Joe's backpack off his shoulder in the process. He kissed his cheek when they pulled away and Joe looked back only once when he left.

When his brother pulled up to take him home, Joe hopped into the front seat. His brother was speaking a mile a minute, telling him about everything he had planned for him once they arrived home.

Going through his backpack to make sure they had given him everything back, Joe found something hidden inside the zippered pocket.

A zippo lighter. Silver and warm and warn in, with zero lighter fluid inside of it. Joe took it out and held it in his palm, bringing it to his lips for a soft kiss.

That fucker.