I have been worrying about my influence on my girlfriends life recently. It seems like ever since i met her in middle school i have slowly been ruining her life. According to her she had a crush on me at our first middle school dance when i was in the corner of the gym by myself. I remember i had just gotten dumped at the dance by Julia. I also wasnt much of a social person to begin with so it wasnt really my scene. Anyway apparently as soon as she was about to tell her best friend that she had a slight crush on me her best friend told her the same thing. Her best friend Becca and I dated for about 9 months. She used me for more attention than anything else. Through all of those 9 months she never kissed me once not even on the cheek or the forehead. This absolutely devastated me. The first time i had been emotionally involved in a relationship and it was pretty abusive to be honest. I started getting super depressed and i was cutting and even contemplating suicide at one point. Looking back on it i was being over dramatic looking for attention like most cutters do but at the time it felt so real. After i ended my weird cutting spree i realized that I was Bisexual. I had always known but this was when i came out of the closet. I started dating this guy named Noah. Me and Noah had a sort of relationship before when we tried to have sex (but failed) on a school field trip. This was during Becca and my relationship. I realize this is cheating but it was 8 months in at the time and she was giving me literally zero attention not even holding my hand. Anyway we started dating officially and there was huge school backlash from nearly all of my "friends". Even though i really liked Noah it was very overwhelming the amount of people picking on me because i was a "fag". I took it to the office at school and they did not even look into it they just told me to shrug it off. Noah did pull me out of my whole depression phase and made me start liking myself again. I started seeing Julia again but not as a dating partner but as more of a fuck buddy. We experimented a lot with each other nearly every other day after school. Then i ended up getting in a relationship with this girl named Olivia she was also my current girlfriends friend. She was supposedly asexual. I nearly took that as a challenge and tried to "convert" her. During our relationship there was a lot of sexual involvement. This relationship lasted probably about 5/6 months. It was very toxic. She threatened to kill herself multiple times if i decided to leave her or if i was ignoring her at all. She even sent me pictures and videos of her cutting herself. We ended up breaking up and halfway through freshman year i started dating this girl named April. Now april was unlike anyone i have dated before. She was a foster kid. She also had her own kid when she was 13. She was raised in a bad environment and got into it with the wrong people. Me and her were both very sexual and experimental at this time and i was especially since she was on birth control. Long story short she ended up being too emotionally unstable for me to handle and that slowly broke off. I had a short little burst with Olivia again but nothing long enough to make an impact. Then I started dating my beautiful girlfriend Vanesa (The girl that originally had a crush on me). I feel like me and her are nearly perfect for each other because we are such polar opposites that we even each other out. So I have been unintentionally ruining her life by going through each one of her friends. By the time i started dating Vanesa they all hated me. And when we started dating they started thinking less of her too so she lost nearly all of her friends because i was dating all of them at one point. This still bothers me and makes me feel like a shit person to this day.
