a reason to love

chapter 5

"I guess we've got some talking to do, huh?" Lauren whispered into her wife's neck.

Camila took her right hand, which was resting on Lauren's back and started rubbing the skin there gently. She felt her wife tense up, so she stopped. Lauren took a small step back and looked up at the woman she swore she'd never leave, for better or for worse. For the first time in a while she took note of how tired Camila looked. She didn't see the usual vibrancy in her eyes. These last 6 months had certainly taken a toll on her as well.

"Yeah, I think we do," Camila answered, looking back into her striking green eyes. "Can we really do this? Do you think it's a good idea to bring her into our lives while we're in this broken state?"

Lauren shuddered at Camila's words. They hurt, but she knew they were true. Their relationship was not what it once was and if they were going to bring a child into their home, they needed to see if they could fix things. "Camz, I know we've been through a lot and that it's still going to take some time for us to mend. We're both different people now. It's been 6 months and a lot can change in that amount of time. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you anymore."

Camila winced. How can hearing a group of words strung together in just the right order induce that much pain? Her heart constricted and she almost had to gasp for breath. Lauren continued, "What I do know is that somewhere deep inside I do still love you. I never stopped, it just feels like that love got hidden behind all of the pain. But seeing you with Brooklyn, it was like some of those old feelings started shining through. She has known you for less than a day and has already fallen in love with you." That brought a smile to Camila's face. It was hard not to smile when thinking about the tiny blue-eyed girl who had waltzed right into their lives like she'd always been there.

"You know how people say sometimes you have to watch someone love something before you can love it yourself? When I saw the love that she had for you, it helped me to remember how to love you as well. We can't lose this, Camz. We can't lose her." Tears were streaming down Camila's face as she listened to her wife pour her heart out to her. That's all she had wanted, all she had prayed for the last 6 months: a second chance to do this right.

Camila took a step closer to Lauren so that their foreheads were touching. Lauren shivered as she felt her wife's breath on her face. "Can I kiss you, Laur?" Camila looked for any sign of hesitation in Lauren's eyes but for once, she couldn't find any. She moved closer so that her lips were just about to brush Lauren's...

"AAHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

They both jumped and realized that the little girl had woken up and was probably scared to be alone. Lauren followed closely behind Camila as she climbed the stairs two at a time. The women rounded the corner and saw Brooklyn sitting in the middle of the bed, tears freely falling down her tiny face. They hadn't seen her cry like this since she arrived so both of them jumped into the bed to console her.

"Shh. It's ok, Brooksie," Camila whispered in a hushed tone while stroking the little girl's face, wiping away the tears as they fell. Lauren smiled at the cute nickname. Brooklyn seemed to calm down after just a few minutes of being back in their presence.

"I know what we can do!" Lauren said when all of the tears had dried. "Let's order pizza for dinner and watch a movie. Would you like that, baby girl?" The tiny girl nodded and gave a shy smile before climbing into Camila's lap. Camila put her arms around her and squeezed.

*****

After the last of the pizza had been eaten they all took a seat on the couch, the smallest of the three sitting in the middle. "Alright, little one, what would you like to watch?" Lauren looked over at Brooklyn, who had just finished the most adorable display of pizza eating that either of them had ever seen. Neither could contain their "aww"s when she concluded the performance by wiping her mouth with a napkin. It seemed as if every mundane task she completed was enough to tug at every single heartstring in the house.

"Dora!" she said proudly, obviously enjoying the fact that they had finally given her a question that she could actually answer. Lauren and Camila looked at each other and smiled. This was definitely a whole new world for them. Lauren searched Netflix for the cartoon of Brooklyn's choosing and pressed play. The little girl's eyes lit up at the familiarity of what was on screen. She clapped her hands and both Lauren and Camila giggled. They enjoyed the time they were spending in each other's company, held together with the glue of a 3 year old.

The rest of the evening consisted of watching episode after episode of Dora the Explorer, much to the delight of one little girl with pretty blue eyes. At one point, Brooklyn scooted so that her back was once more against the couch and reached out to both of the women to hold their hands. Camila glanced over at Lauren and caught her staring. She gave her wife a wink and leaned down to kiss Brooklyn's head.

It was hard to think that in a few days Camila would have to go back to work and leave her two girls at home. Especially after the spark of hope she and Lauren had shared this afternoon. She was more than a little anxious to continue the conversation they started earlier and to be able to give their case manager an official answer.

For now, they had decided that Lauren would stay home with Brooklyn during the day because her job as a graphic designer could be accomplished from home. Camila's job as a music teacher required her to be in the classroom on the weekdays. She loved her job, but couldn't help but feel like she would be happier to stay in their little bubble forever.

"It looks like it's almost bed time kiddo," Lauren said when she saw Brooklyn yawn. She looked up at her with droopy eyes and a huge smile. Yep, this little girl had completely stolen her heart. "Do you want to say goodnight to Camila before I take you upstairs?" The little girl nodded and turned to crawl into her lap, sitting on her knees so that she was face to face with Camila's chocolate brown eyes. She put her tiny hands on each of her cheeks and said "Goodnight CA-MEE-LA," drawing out every syllable. She then placed a sloppy kiss on Camila's cheek before giving her one last goodnight hug.

It was as if time stood still in that moment. Camila choked back emotion as the little girl climbed down off of her lap and ran to Lauren, holding her hands out for her to pick her up. Lauren gave Camila a look of astonishment and then understanding as they both just stood there for a minute, letting the heaviness of their overwhelming situation wash over them like a tidal wave. This little girl was without a doubt a gift that they never knew they wanted.