Forceful

I Am My Own Muse - Chapter 1.5

On the day of, Celestin had finally cornered Mamma and asked for permission. Mamma was relatively suspicious of the whole ordeal as the boy had never, in their eighteen years of living together, mentioned any sort of friend or gathering. Celestin had always kept to himself, just like Mamma told him to.

Celestin told his Mamma that he had made a friend and that they were inviting him over to dinner to meet their parents and family. It was the truth...ish.

Mamma borderline grilled the boy in an attempt to get him to spill as much information as he possibly could. Questions along the lines of Who are they? What's their name? What do their parents do? What're their pronouns?

Celestin answered the questions in order. They're the shopkeep of the herb shop I brought the last herbs from, Subsolanus. Their name is Astore, Astore Camonica. Their mom runs the shop and their father is dead. The last question confused Celestin and he responded with a What?

Mamma corrected themselves and said, Male or Female?

Celestin thought about the question for a while, maybe a little too long, but eventually answered Male.

Mamma's face changed almost immediately for the negative. Their lips turned down and their eyes glared at Celestin, but to the boy, something was off. It...didn't seem authentic. Mamma then proceeded to tell Celestin that he was not allowed to go because of x y and z. Celestin watched as Mamma's mouth opened but he heard nothing. He, with his very own eyes, saw Mamma's mouth open, close, and turn, but his mind, it seemed, ignored it.

His mind, in place of listening, diverted its power to figuring out at what point Mamma decided against the whole thing. Celestin knew that Mamma did not know of his homosexual tendencies, so that couldn't have worked against him. Lost in thought, Celestin barely noticed the slam of the door of Mamma's study. The vulgar sound awoke the boy from his brainstorming session and back into horrible and unpredictable reality.

In this reality, Celestin knew he would be forced to defy his Mamma and leave the house regardless of their dismay. He knew that Astore would be waiting tomorrow and he couldn't possibly leave him hanging like that. For now, he looked out the window and his mind wandered.

He sulked over to his room and went immediately to the hidden book of thoughts. Celestin pondered for a minute before writing, his mind filled to the brim with circumstance and questions.

Dearest Me,

Today had begun beautifully, with a cup of tea and small talk with Mamma. It seemed to end with Mamma, too, but on a rather discouraging note. I truly don't wish to defy Mamma, they've always protected me. I don't want to, but I have to. Who knows what would occur if Astore had to present himself at the dreaded dinner party alone? Astore doesn't know tit for tat about party etiquette. Well, neither do I, but at least we'd be together! Astore Camonica and Celestin Viollo Verdino, together we could conquer the entire globe if we wanted to. I don't think Mamma would understand my prospect of love, would they? I know little of Mamma's life, but even still I know of no lover in their life. Mamma is rather secretive so, maybe I am giving myself a little too much credit. Alas, I will still have to go to this party, regardless of Mamma, it is simply just the way it is. Speaking of which, I still do not trust this whole situation and most certainly do not trust Mister Jules Lucien Fâcheux. My Love had told me of the whole aura of the letter and honestly, as much as I do not understand Astore and his very technical mind, I could still ascertain that overall, it was the farthest thing from good. But, at the end of the day, who am I to say what is good and what is not? 

Celestin pondered for a moment the question his own subconsciousness brought out. Deeming it far too important and time-consuming for the current moment, he pushed the book away from himself and leaning back on the wooden chair. His eyes watched the roof above him as he let his thoughts hold him once again. 

Astore climbed the stairs up to the second floor of the herb shop, also known as his house, and knocked on the door before entering. The wooden board creaked and groaned below his feet and the wind chimed the lights hanging loosely from the ceiling. His boots made a soft sound as he pushed the door to his bedroom open and then subsequently pushing it closed. He should have checked his mother's room, but she was probably already asleep. After all, it was past midnight. 

It was past midnight, and Astore should've been home long, long ago. 

Instead, he spent the time wandering the dark streets of Caggiano. The town, small and quaint lay undisturbed except for the occasional city people coming to post advertisements for whatever. Tonight, too, it was undisturbed for the most part. Astore stumbled down the streets with alcohol in his veins. He wasn't quite drunk, just tipsy enough for his vision to be hazy and his speech to be a little slurred. Maybe that was drunk...

The barkeep had kicked him out as he had begun crying on the bar. 

Instead, he stumbled and wandered the streets, tears still streaming down his eyes. Why, you ask? He was mourning a loss. The loss of his love.

He was mourning the fact he would never be able to kiss Celestin in public, the fact he would, at one point would be forced to part with his lover to maintain appearances of 'normal' and marry. Marry a woman, at that.

He was mourning now, so it doesn't hit him as hard when the time finally comes. Gods help him, he hopes it never comes. 

His head hits his bed and his eyes close before he has the chance to even take off his boots. 

That night, until the moment his wakes, Astore's head is filled with dreams. Dreams of him, maybe, and Celestin, maybe, holding hands in a street far into the future. The streets are decorated with things that Astore doesn't know the name of and won't know until the next time. 

Maybe, just maybe, next time, Astore and Celestin will be allowed to love each other. Maybe.