Forceful

Ciel Fletcher Fâcheux - Chapter 3

My mother was a sweet, sweet woman. She wept day and night for the loss of her husband, her lover, her heaven and her hell. She died weeping for him despite his...faults.

She used to tell me 'Ciel, you do what you want, hurt no others, but don't limit yourself for the sake of the very same others, because in the end, you have no one but yourself,' and I think, she was right. I am a creature of magickal descent and a child of horrific circumstances yet, I try my best to be the very truest version of myself, for the sole reason that I'll have to look myself in a mirror one day and know, inside my heart, I'm okay.

Most days, I am okay. Others, not so much.

There's this overwhelming feeling in my core, it aches for reasons I can't explain with the human tongue. It aches and reacts to things I have no control over. It could be a certain beat or note of a song, it would be a sentence in a book, it could be the texture of this one brick, the way that person looked at me, the way someone words things in an email, anything. Anything could set off that feeling, and I don't know what it is. 

To get rid of that feeling, I have to replace it with another, equally overwhelming and dangerous. Thus, I have a playlist. A playlist of songs I play at a dangerously high volume to overwhelm and distract from the feeling and make sure I cannot focus on it.

The songs make no sense in a lyrical or rhythmic way, one weirder than the next until even the playlist isn't enough.

I really don't know what it is, I kind of hate it, but for some fucking reason, I kind of love it just the same.

"In the end, you have no one but yourself."

Is that true? Are we solitary creatures destined to be constantly retreating into an abyss within our tainted and damaged souls? Are we to always maintain distance? What even is the concept of physical contact and why are mortals wired that way? Why do I crave something I cannot even name? Why do I crave a feeling, an experience, rather than a rush? Why do I not want the same things as the person next to me?

I want the memory, not accountability. I want to know, not do.

Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? What in the name of the Goddesses is so fucking wrong with me at a subatomic level? Is it some weird fucking disorder or mental illness? Is that what this is? Am I fucking ruined? Am I some fucked up byproduct of shitty society? Goddesses I hate it here so much, why would you allow this to happen?

If you're so fucking powerful and as merciful as people say you are, why do you torture us like you didn't force us to 'feel' things, whatever that means? You are supposed to be our home, our comfort, our guardians, but I feel nothing when someone says something about you? Have I lost some sacred connection everyone should have? Am I fucking broken? If so, it's your fucking fault you omnipotent fucks!

You would do everything but make sure we are happy and for what reason? For your fucking amusement? Are we a game to you? Are we a fucking experiment for the next thing or creature you torture?

Why are we here? What is our purpose? Why do you not help us? Why do you not feed and clothe us in our times of need? What is wrong with you?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU ALLOW BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP SOCIAL EXPERIMENT? WHY DO YOU ALLOW RAPE, UNJUST MURDER, LIVES UPON LIVES WASTED FOR GREED AND EXPLOITATION? WHAT, IS SO FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU ALLOW THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN WHILE YOU SIT ON YOUR SILVER THRONES AND DRINK WINE AND CHAT AMONGST YOURSELF?

wait.

If these things happen, and deities are apparently omnipotent and merciful, maybe, just maybe, you aren't real.

Maybe you don't exist and the words you have apparently spoken come from the mouth of someone with something to gain. Maybe we're stuck here, doomed to ultimately be our own downfall and to never regain our souls from the hell we created for ourselves. The hole we dug ourselves into.

How'd I get here? How does always escalate? Why, why, why, why can't I just be one of those people who get up and do things and not have existential fear and worries? Why can't I be fucking ignorant to every nook and cranny of wrongs and rights? Why do I have to worry about everything and everyone except myself? Why do I have to save everyone? Why can't I say no? Why do I not have power? Why me? Why me? Why not them, or her or him? Why me?

I don't want to do this, please let me lie in my bed in peaceful and undisturbed slumber. Please leave me alone, go away, please, I won't ever talk or breathe again, just stop talking, stop telling me about what I need to do, I DON'T WANT TO.

Please, I'm sorry if I've hurt you, I didn't mean to, please let me be happy. I'm so sorry, please, please, I'm sorry.

"Achilles, Achilles
Just put down the bottle
Don't listen to what you've consumed it's chaos, confusion
And wholly unworthy
Of feeding and it's wholly untrue. You may feel no purpose
Nor a point for existing
It's all just conjecture and gloom"