Dead in your eyes (Aaron Carpenter)

Chapter 4

We finally got out of the water, and I breathed in deeply. I coughed and it felt as if I was going to die at any given moment.

"How'd you know I was here?" I asked him in a hushed tone.

"I was about to leave when I saw you in here." he replied.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Good." I lied. I was uncomfortable talkling about this stuff when I'd just tried to commit suicide. We sat there in an awkward silence for a couple more minutes. He put his hand on my shoulder and I pulled away, uncomfortable at his touch.

"You obviously don't trust me." He said. "I like you and I've liked you since 7th grade when I realised how perfect you really were."

"Aaron, I'm sorry. I don't believe you because I've had this kind of prank pulled on me before where the guy pretends he likes me and then embarrases me in front of the people who you don't wanna be embarrased in front of because they'll tease you about it forever. Every time I get attached to something, it hurts me. Save your heart for someone that's worth dying for, for someone who leaves you breathless, don't just give it away to someone who's broken like me." And with that, I stood up and left, tears brimming my eyes and threatening to spill any moment. I went in my car, started it, and drove down the road. I needed to go somewhere, anywhere. But away from my mother, my brother, and that man who was at my house, and Aaron, and Trista and Macey and Lana. I couldn't take this cold cruel world anymore. Justin probably hates me, it's obvious that my mother hates me, I have no friends, and Aaron probably was pretending this whole time to like me. I need to face the truth, the obvious truth that I have no one. That I, am a wallflower.

There are no more "great" days, Daniella; just "days". 

That thought kept ringing through my head. Though there hasn't been any great days for a very long time, since my father was here, since my family wanted me in this world.

I tell people to be strong, knowing that I'm the weakest person in the world.

I feel weak, and worthless. But when my sister is around, I'm happy. She is my joy, my world and without her, I'd be lost. She is the only real family that I have left. At least, real family that actually cares about me.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

I sorry I cut.

I'm sorry I break my promises.

I'm sorry I want to give up.

I'm sorry I want to die.

I'm sorry I want to kill myself.

I'm sorry that I hide my emotions.

I'm sorry I lie and say I am fine.

I'm sorry I am pushing you away.

I'm sorry that this has become my life; that one cut has become an addiction. It goes out to anyone out there who still actually cares.

Depression is like a war; you either win, or die trying.

I haven't won this war with myself, but I haven't yet lost either. I have almost lost, but I'm not done. I'm not giving up so early on in this battle.