Disparity

When I rolled out of bed this morning and wiped the sleep from my puffy eyes, I asked myself "Do I feel strong enough today?' Since I wasn't sure of the answer yet, I decided to stand in front of the mirror for a while. This usually isn't a good way to feel strong, but I thought it might at least help me to decide how much I thought I could take. As I looked myself over, I saw a body that looked like it had been drawn by a child - a big, boxy torso with skinny stick arms and legs.

The first outfit I tried on was a pair of grey sweatpants and a black hoodie. This was the type of outfit that was 'appropriate' for my frame. 'Appropriate' was not how I felt, so I took it off.

The second outfit was one of my favourites. A pair of purple skinny jeans, a cute t-shirt with a llama on it, and a long flowing blue sweater that went to half way down my thighs. The sweater was almost like a housecoat or a blanket, it was so warm and soft. I began to smile as I rubbed the sleeve against my face, until it inevitably caught on my stubble.

I had begun to feel like I might have the strength to wear my favourite things today, at least I had until the end. I don't need the constant stares and barbed comments from others to remind me that the way I look and the way I feel are two very different things. I took a long look in the mirror and asked myself 'is it worth it today?'

I'm tired. I'm tired of the sniggers, the eyes watching me, waiting to see which washroom I'll choose. I can't help who I am and I can't help the body that I'm trapped in. These legs, this stomach, that chin, they're all attached to me, but I have never felt like they belong to me. Sure, everyone is unhappy with parts of themselves, but most people don't have to walk around all day feeling like aliens came in the night and threw you into a stranger's body. All I want is to feel comfortable in my own skin. But every time I try to reach for that feeling I'm met with 'freak', 'fag', 'tranny'. I can't control the flesh I'm made up of so why does everyone want to rob me of the things I can control? Who am I hurting by wearing the things that make me happy?

That's right, I'm not hurting anyone and I won't let them hurt me today. I will be strong and I will be me! If not for myself, then for all the others like me who can't be brave yet, who aren't able to do it for themselves. That's right, I have a duty to be myself and to lend a little courage to those who need it. Little llama, here we come!