Welcome To My Mind

How I feel

That hollow feeling of looking around,

Realizing that nobody wants to be your partner in gym class.

It's painful....

But then again, most people don't know what I'm talking about.

Because I'm the only one here who people had forgotten about.

Why am I the one who knows the behind details,

While everybody else is having fun.

I sit quietly on the bleachers, wanting to go to sleep to pass the time...

But I can't go to sleep.

My head is buzzing with many thoughts, keeping me from peace I want.

Looking around at everybody, noticing that everybody has a place of friends with someone.

Even the lower group on the chain of popularity.

They all seem happy.

The kind of happiness I could never reach.

The lump on my throat and sharp pain that comes with it comes.

My throat gets tighter with each thought.

And before I could stop myself,

The tears start rolling in.

What if I'm going to stay like this, forever?

What if, I'm going to be that person who is always lonely all the time?

Thinking those thoughts,

Make me want to throw up. I never knew why I get that feeling... but sometimes I do throw up.

Disgust of the thought of being a loner.

And the thought of myself and the stupid things I've done in my life to make people not care anymore about what I do, and is anymore.

Then, my anxiety comes up.

I get up from the bleachers and walk out of the gym door, because I have no place in here obviously.

I went to the bathroom that nobody really uses.

Which is good, because nobody would think to find me there.

I was finally alone, without having people to look at me with quick glances.

I always have this social anxiety even though I love talking to people.

A lot of people had ruined those happy thoughts.

A lot of people were mean enough to make me be afraid of the higher group.

Even though I want to be accepted by them.

Not necessarily their friends, but for them to respect me the way they want us to respect them.

I'm not one of them,

But I'm also not apart of the lower group.

I'm just, I don't know who I am.

Want to cut again, but don't want anymore scars.

Don't want to die, because there might be something worth living for.

Can't starve, because I love eating.

So the only thing I know that helps is throw up.