Lean on Me

Chapter Five

The next few days went by in a blur. I felt withdrawn from everyone, but that was only because I set myself apart. Most of the day I sealed myself up in my room, crying or in a trance, refusing to eat. I didn't talk to anyone, not even the Doctor or Mum. They tried to get me to say something, to eat something, to interact with people, but I just pushed them away. I didn't want them. I wanted James, and since I knew that for the first time that option would not be available to me, I stayed away. All day long I sat in my room, looking at old pictures of him and me, of last Christmas when he looked so happy opening all his presents. Pictures of him playing in the park or swinging on the swings, and those appeared to be the only things that could put the smallest of smiles on my face. Those smiles disappeared seconds later though, replaced by a fierce longing to have those moments back. 

The Doctor was my biggest comfort. He knew how I felt, and seemed to understand that I didn't want to talk. He sat next to me for the majority of the day, his arm wrapped around me, rubbing my side. Sometimes I would fall asleep against him, or him against me, but I could never stay asleep for more then an hour. 

About a week after it happened, though, the Doctor tried to start a conversation with me. "Rose..." he said, probably deciding how to word the speech he had in mind. "I know how you feel," he started, carefully pronouncing each word, as if walking on a floor covered in glass. "I know that I've sort of almost told you this before, but I had children once. It was a very long time ago, back on Gallifrey. Grandchildren too. I traveled with one of my grandchildren for a while. Her name was Susan." He was smiling that sad smile that he always put on when remembering the past. "She was beautiful. But she was the only family I had left. After a while of traveling with me, she settled down on Earth. Got married. Had a family. Did everything she ever wanted to and more. But I wasn't a part of her life after that. Not like I wanted to be, anyway. I saw her maybe ten or fifteen times in the twenty years after she decided to stay on Earth. And that last time I saw her, she had come with me to a different planet. She got lost and I could never find her. I still haven't. But I heard from her a long time ago. She fell in love again and settled down on that planet. I know I'm being a bit rude, making this sound all about me, but I just wanted to let you know that I know what you're going through, and that I'm here for you. You are not alone in this. You don't have to shut yourself out..." It sounded like he was begging me, pleading with me to stop isolating myself. A stray tear rolled down my cheek, but for the first time in a while, it wasn't a sad tear. Well, I wouldn't say that. I was still sad, and I felt terrible for the Doctor, but I was beginning to realize that what the Doctor had said was true. I knew that he was aware of how I felt, he had been through these same emotions before. If I was going to talk to anyone, he would probably be the ideal person.

"Rose," he said, somewhat choking up, "please. Talk to me. I know what this feels like. I know. But believe me, keeping all those feelings pent up inside, it only makes things worse. Believe me. Because all these feelings just keep on building and building and building up, until one day, you just crack. Its going to be a mess, and I don't want to have to clean it up. Please, Rose, just talk to me." His voice became quiet at the end, an almost silent plead.

A single tear slid down my face while I stared into those deep brown eyes of his, reading them like an open book. I could see the need he had to hear my voice, could see how much he hated this shell of my former self that I was becoming, and I couldn't stand it. The last thing I needed was feeling guilty for dragging the Doctor down into the depths of sadness with me. Because once you fell in, it would take a long time for you to climb back out. 

I approached him slowly and carefully, and when I reached him, I set my hand on his cheek and just stood there staring at him for a second. I put my other arm around his neck, gently pulling him towards me. I kissed him gently on the lips. "I love you," I barely managed to whisper. "And I know how horrible I've been acting, and I know you kind of understand it, and I'm so, so sorry for dragging you into this." I said, pulling away from him and crossing over to the other side pf the room.

Even though my back was turned, I could practically see the guilt and frustration growing on his face. "Rose, you know I didn't mean it like that. You shouldn't be sorry. None of this is your fault do you understand me. None of it." He had crossed the room and had both hands on my shoulders. Another tear rolled down my face, and his big brown eyes were holding me captive. He kissed away the tear, and his lips lingered on my cheek for a moment. I closed my eyes, once again trying to imagine a world where everything was okay. For a moment I could almost fool myself, but it only made things worse when I snapped back into reality. 

The tears were flowing freely now, with nothing holding them back. "I just miss him. So much," I said, my voice cracking and trying to become comprehensible over my sobs. I leaned into the Doctor's shoulder, his arms wrapping around my back and my arms wrapping around his. He leaned his head against mine, and I knew that he was there for me. That he always would be. He understood me in a way that no one else could. They all tried, but it wasn't the same thing. 

It was almost supper time, and the Doctor somehow managed to talk me into going down to eat tonight. I was hungry, but I would never admit that to him. 

Supper smelled delicious, and I could hardly manage to wait until everyone else sat down to begin eating. Mum and Dad tried to pretend that everything was normal, but the traces of mascara running down Mum's face and the blotchy, red quality to Dad's eyes told a different story. They were clearly mourning the loss of their first and only grandson. I couldn't stand seeing them like this. Especially pretending it was fine for me. Everyone was chatting about their day, even though I knew for a fact that none of them got anything done. I couldn't take it anymore. 

"Excuse me," I said, taking my napkin and wiping my face, then proceeding to get up and walk back upstairs. 

As soon as I got up there, I completely lost it. I was in hysterics, curled up in the fatal position, almost ripping the hair from my scalp. I screamed into my mattress, punched a pillow, but it just wasn't enough to satisfy the anger and frustration growing inside of me. The Doctor half-walked half-jogged into my room a moment later, and I couldn't control myself anymore. 

"Rose..." he began, confused. "What's the matter?" He inquired, looking extremely confused. 

"Kiss me." I said. 

"What?" 

"Kiss me." And he did.

It was the longest, gentlest kiss that I had ever received, but I wanted more.

Let's just say that more was what I got.