Falling in Love with Fashion

FILWF Ch 1 'Sleepless' (New Version)

Police sirens sound off loudly while I sit in what had become my favorite lounge chair in my terrace. I see blinking white and red lights in the distance; the loud honking of its annoying siren warning all drivers of its presence.

The cars in its proximity part like the Red Sea; I realize that for two days now; this has become my sanctuary. I thought I was done with the sleepless nights. Yet, here I am, the observer without my subjects realizing it.

I hear the lovely pedestrians talk loudly, at times even argue as they walk the busy streets of New York City. Some are lovers; holding hands tightly, or leaning against one another as they cross the street together unaware of my presence. Others; friends who laugh and giggle making sure not to awkwardly brush up on one another so things tonight don't move beyond platonic on this inebriated hour.

I sit back into my seat; the awkward heaviness between my index and middle finger makes me glance down at my right hand. There it is; the thing I once had quit, taunting me, reminding me that right now I've become weak to it. The Cancer stick sits safely nestled in between the webbing of my fingers; while it burns slowly with life.

Once upon a time I had quit; now I clench my teeth, and glare at it in disgust. Still, it's the one thing that is holding me like a toxic lover who doesn't know when to finally let go. It wants to comfort you; hold you tightly in hopes of changing you.

Bringing it to my lips, I let it rest partially between them. I take a deep breath, and take a long pull and the tip turns a bright color of orange as it slowly recedes. The toxic poisonous smoke fills my lungs, and although I should be coughing it brings me relief.

I tilt my head back and blow a kiss exhaling the smoke watching each O shape dissipate into thin air. My eyes linger hoping to be greeted with the magic of the dark blanket that should be above me.

Instead a pink smoggy blanket that's retaining the city lights in its grasp has smothered the most beautiful part of what should be a blanket filled with twinkling diamonds that should be stars that entice so many to bask in its allure; is none existent.

It happened ... I think to myself as I take a pull of my cigarette.

It's something I didn't think would happen, but it has. I had broken up with my best friend ... with the person I thought was my future wife and mother of my children.

It's been a couple of weeks since Jessica and I separated. No one realizes it, but I'm slowly going to a place where I'm feeling voids in place of what should be her with woman that aren't fulfilling me. This present isn't a state of healing; this is a state of morning. The sad part is that I haven't mourned. I haven't even cried.

I'm fine ... That's what I tell everyone. That's what I keep telling myself. Denial is a hell of a drug and I was overdosing on it. The case at the moment is that I don't know how to feel. This is the most confusing thing that's ever happened to me. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, but I'm only going around in circles. Endlessness of chasing tails and I can't stand it.

While taking another pull of my poison my cell-phone begins to vibrate on top of the glass table in front of me. I ignore it and glance over at the rock glass that's half empty with Jack. Jack has become my comfort; the warm blanket that has been holding me steady so I won't break although I wish for it. I know I need to feel something; it's the normal thing to do. Yet, in this situation nothing is coming to me, not even anger.