Videotape

Chapter 9

I wasn't thinking about dying anymore. On the surface, that might have seemed like a good thing; in reality, the only reason I wasn't thinking about dying was that all I could think about was Felix.

For days, I hadn't been able to bring myself to leave my room. The house was filled with constant silence aside from my father's phone calls and my mother's fitful sobbing, and I could only stare at my ceiling from where I laid in my bed, too numb and impossibly broken to find the motivation to move unless someone forced me to. My phone battery died at some point during the week. I didn't bother charging it; who would I talk to? Gabby and Caleb couldn't help me, Ethan certainly couldn't, and Jade...I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to face her again.

It got worse on the day of Felix's funeral. I didn't cry, and neither did my father; I wondered if he was feeling as numb as I was. Dozens of people showed up to pay their respects. Some tried to talk to me―some I recognized, others I didn't―but I couldn't bring myself to say more than a few words at a time. Carmen was there, wearing the most gorgeous diamond ring I'd ever seen on her left ring finger. When she saw Felix in his casket, lifeless and unfeeling, I wasn't sure I'd ever seen anyone cry so hard. After the service, we buried Felix. I watched absentmindedly as his casket was lowered into the ground, and just like that, he was gone. It was all over.

After the day of the funeral, things went back to the way they were before, only worse. I still couldn't find the motivation to go to school, which wasn't much of an issue, considering my parents had stopped caring long ago. I couldn't find the motivation to do much of anything, really; I was hardly eating, and it was beginning to show in the way that my clothes hung off my thinning body. Even getting to sleep was an uphill battle. Each day, I was losing more and more of myself, and I couldn't even find the motivation to care about that.

Finally, two weeks after Felix's death, I'd reached my limit. My father had finally started going back to work in order to support us, and my mother was asleep in the living room with a bottle of cheap liquor, meaning that I could do what I needed to do without anyone noticing until it was already done.

Next to my bed was a nightstand made of fake plastic wood, covered in layers of shiny black paint. Said nightstand consisted of two large drawers; in the top drawer, I'd accumulated stacks upon stacks of photo albums over the last several years. Some were filled with pictures I'd taken on past vacations, others with photos of my friends and family. The drawer was also home to a Sony camcorder, gifted to me by my father for my tenth birthday.

In the bottom drawer, hidden away beneath other odds and ends, was a length of rope. I'd acquired said rope months ago when my father was taking down the tire swing that Felix and I used to play on from the old oak tree in our front yard so it could be cut down. Once I was sure no one was watching me, I'd carefully removed the rope from the worn tire on the ground, gathered it up in my arms, and carried it inside to my room. At the time, I didn't know why I'd done it. Or maybe I did and simply didn't want to admit it to myself. It wasn't something I took lightly, necessarily; it was more of an impulse act than anything. I didn't truly think I'd ever need to use it.

Until now.

But I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. Once the rope was hanging from the ceiling and ready for me to use it, I retrieved my camcorder from my nightstand and set it on my desk atop a stack of books so that it was level with my face. I turned it on and began recording without hesitation, then took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Hi, there," I began. "If you're watching this right now, it's most likely because I'm already gone. I'm sorry I couldn't find another way to deal with everything that's been going on, but every day's a struggle now, and I'm not seeing any other options." I went quiet for a moment. "That, and I really need to be with my brother."

I took another deep breath. "This is my way of saying goodbye. I don't think I could ever do it face to face. That's kinda why I'm recording this," I said, laughing in spite of the heaviness in my heart. "Mom, Dad, I think you're the ones I should apologize to more than anyone else. Don't think I'm not guilty for doing this, because I am. I didn't want to take away your only other kid after Felix died. I...I'm sorry." I felt tears beginning to well up in my eyes. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't keep suffering like I was. I love you both so much."

I cleared my throat, wiping away a stray tear that had fallen onto my cheek. "Gabby, Caleb, you're the best friends that I've ever had. Gabby, you always cheered me up when I was down and kept me on my feet, and Caleb, you never failed to comfort me whenever I needed it. I wish you both the best, and I'm sorry to both of you as well. I love you both."

God, this is so hard. "Ethan, I know I didn't know you all that long, but it was nice while it lasted. I wish you the best with your artwork and the rest of your life. Dr. Fisher, thank you for doing everything you possibly could for me. To all my extended family, I love you all, and I'm sorry for doing this. God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." A sob shook my shoulders, and I buried my face in my hands, taking a moment to breathe.

Breathe, I thought. Breathe. It's almost over.

"Jade," I whispered. "The day my brother died, I was going to tell you something. That something is that I like you. Like, as more than a friend. You make me happier than anyone else has in a long time. Knowing you was incredible, even if it was only for a little while."

Almost there.

"To the members of Radiohead, thanks for giving me something to stick around for," I finally said. I paused for a moment. "To everyone, I'm pretty sure I was headed in this direction anyway. To be honest, I think this would've been inevitable even if Felix ended up living. Medication never really helped me, and getting crap from everyone at school definitely didn't help at all. I'm not even really living anymore. Just surviving. Killing time, you know? It's not that I want to die. It's just that I don't want to live anymore. Not like this, and not with Felix gone."

Finally, I drew in one last deep breath. "Please don't beat yourselves up over this. This is nobody's fault but my own," I said. "I love you all. I guess...I guess this is goodbye." I reached forward, finger hovering over the button to end the recording. "Goodbye."

I watched the video once, figuring that it was best to make sure nothing was wrong with it. Once I was done, I shut off the camcorder and set it on my bed, then turned to face the rope. Oh, I thought. Oh my God, I'm actually doing this. I wheeled my desk chair to the middle of the room and began to step up onto it, only to find that I couldn't.

I couldn't.

No...

All of a sudden, I felt sick to my stomach. I gagged for a moment, crumpling to the ground, where I curled up into a ball on the floor. I can't do this. Oh my God, I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this...

I wasn't sure how long I stayed on that floor. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I heard footsteps coming toward my room. My father's footsteps, I registered vaguely. My father's voice, too, and then a shriek of horror from afar. My mother?

I couldn't do it.

A pair of strong arms lifted me up off the ground, and that was the last thing I knew before my entire world was washed in black.