Remember the Assassin

Twenty-Six

"I was in Golden Snake with a lot of faces I don't recognize, but they were familiar in the dream. But it was set in Sentrus. Is that some kind of memory?" It seems like I've been having more vivid dreams the past few nights, but I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I've been remembering things because everything is mixed up in my brain, like seeing people I'm pretty sure were from Golden Snake walking around Sentrus like it was normal. And it was normal for me too, in the dream. Gran Rey is the one I talk to about everything--he helps me understand it--so that's what I'm doing now.

"Dreams are weird. I have dreams where I'm back in my apartment, but it doesn't look anything like my apartment. It may be some kind of memory, but don't think too much about it. It's not something you'll be able to control." Gran Rey shrugs.

I don't mention the dream that followed the one I just told him about. I was in Sentrus, but everyone knew everything about me. I woke up trying to get away from everyone chasing me. I take a breath, knowing it makes me look like I have more to say to Gran Rey. The more I thought about things yesterday, the more I was sure about what would happen once everyone found out the truth. Still, I'm afraid to say it out loud. Once I tell Gran Rey, it makes it real. Then there's no going back. I take another breath. "I want to leave Sentrus."

His eyebrows rise in slight surprise. "Really? Why?"

I sigh. "I don't think they'll trust me. Nobody. Carey knows the truth, and she doesn't trust me. Everyone else doesn't even know the truth, and they still don't trust me. It's just better if I leave and try to start over somewhere else."

He's nodding. "Okay." I can't read his expression. Am I bad at reading it, or is he just good at hiding it? "So you still don't know about the whole plan to fake my death and go to Golden Snake?"

I shake my head. "No. But I guess...it might be a possibility. Maybe," I say firmly. "I don't know if I want to run from here like a criminal and have everybody think I just murdered you on purpose."

He's nodding. "Yeah."

"But it's not fair that I get to escape and you don't, right?"

He shrugs. "I could just run away like you. But if you're planning on leaving alone, at least let me give you some advice on what places to avoid, like Dead's Door."

"I'll think about it." I look down, unsure if I should continue the conversation somehow, or if I should suggest going to breakfast. Thankfully, he says something.

"Don't let me guilt-trip you into going to Golden Snake. I don't want that to be what I'm doing. I think I'm doing that--or trying to--and I don't want to. Sorry, does that make sense?"

I nod quickly. "Yeah, it does." I understand because I think I've felt the same way. Or something similar, at least. I wouldn't be able to explain it any better than he just did.

He nods too. "I feel like that a lot lately. I don't know how to make my actions match what I think they should be."

I smile at how ironic this is. "That's literally how I felt. Just takes some intentional practice."

He tilts his head. "That's kind of different." I shrug because it is different, but it's the same thing. He looks to the side. "That's weird." He shakes his head, shaking off the thought as well, then looks back at me. "Do you want to go to breakfast?"

"Sure."

I eat breakfast with him and a couple others. After having lunch and dinner yesterday with Dorthene and them, and after my dream, I don't feel like being around them. Especially since I'm going to leave sometime. Gran Rey, Gary, and maybe Dan are the only ones I really feel comfortable around. I don't feel as alone when eating with Gran Rey. Maybe that's what having a real friend feels like, since apparently Dorthene and Cour and Dig and Winnie and everybody else don't feel like my friends anymore.