West of Nothing

43. An Embarrassment of Riches

The sound of sleigh bells could be heard for the third time. "Someone place an order to the North Pole?" Skunkworks asked in annoyance.

Everyone shook their heads before turning to stare at Mason. "I didn't order anything," he said. "Oh, I get it. Fine, I'll go answer the doorbell. I've got nothing else better to do." Next thing he'd be fetching their coffee and donuts. He stomped off toward the Storeroom, nearly barreling into Lip-Fuzz, who was just coming out.

When he got to the Table of Requirement, he stopped short. He got it now. This was someone's idea of a prank. Although the support staff continued to act outwardly stiff, they had found more subtle ways of trading snark with the X-Bot team. When Corny broke the clicker on her mouse and requested a new one, she found a dead rodent instead. It turned out to be a functional computer mouse expertly upholstered in a real mouse pelt with the cord threaded through its tail. To click, you pressed down on its eyeballs. Corny got such a kick out of it she actually used it, absently stroking its fur when she was deep in thought. Shortly after, the X-Bot team placed a jar on the table with the handwritten label "Tips." Into this they placed tidbits of wisdom like, "Don't feed the wild cannibals," "Don't piss into the wind," and, Mason's contribution, "Next time take the blue pill."

The support staff had really outdone themselves this time. Next to a coffee carafe sat two glass jars containing exact replicas of the X-Bot. Someone really knew their way around a 3D printer. They had reproduced the details down to the tiny hairs on their feet and the starburst patterns on their hard hats, although the placement was a bit off. The red, cyclopean eyes even gave him the impression they were looking at him. "Well, hi there little fellas," he waved. When the one on the left reared back and raised its frontmost legs in an aggressive posture, Mason nearly jumped out of his skin. "Whoa shit!"

"Is that what I think it is?" Corny asked from the door. The rest of the team crowded in behind her, having heard his yelp of fright.

Trying to appear calm and in control of the situation, Mason reached out and picked up one of the jars. It was surprisingly heavy and took two hands to hold comfortably. Metal threads were woven through the thick glass and the lids were constructed like submarine hatches. The X-Bot wouldn't be chipping its way out of this. "There are two of them. I could use a hand."

"Do you think we should give them names?" he asked, once they had been deposited onto the platform next to the bell.

"This isn't a petting zoo," Doogie said.

But Skunkworks thought it was a good idea. "We can't go around calling them all X-Bot. How about we call the original Alpha followed by Bravo and Charlie."

"Good by me," HotDamn said. "Are there any differentiating marks?"

"The ablation patterns look a bit different," replied Doogie. "And Charlie there has a club foot. Otherwise they look damn near identical. Maybe they're clones."

"Best not to leap to conclusion until we run DNA," Johnny said. "This is no time for sloppy work."

"Point taken," Skunkworks said. "We'll reserve judgment on their paternity until later. In the meantime, we need to figure out what to do with them. They can't stay in those jars permanently."

Having three X-Bots was an embarrassment of riches. They could dissect one and still have two to experiment on. They could re-run the same experiments on new subjects or run multiple experiments simultaneously. Or they could just throw them into the bell and see what happened, which is what Mason half-jokingly suggested. To his surprise, the idea found a receptive audience.

"We need to know if they exhibit group behavior," Corny said. "It could play a key role in carrying out whatever mission they were sent here to perform."

"Is that wise?" Johnny dissented. "Many insects are territorial, will see others as threat. We should not forget what happen to cricket."

"You think they might attack each other?" Mason said. "That would be pretty cool to watch."

"It wouldn't be so funny if they tore each other apart," said Doogie in his you should take this more seriously tone.

"Even hyper-aggressive insects will often show a softer side to members of their own species," Corny pointed out. "Otherwise, they would never mate and reproduce."

Do you think they could have different genders? Gabby asked.

"If they do, then this could get very interesting indeed," Doogie said. Now who was being glib?

"Not have sex chromosome, remember," Johnny reminded them. "I still not like idea of putting all together. Involve too many risks."

"What do you think, Skunkworks?" Corny deferred to the old engineer.

"Ah, hell. If they fight they fight," was his take. "We know there's plenty more of them out there now. Still, we should only introduce one at a time with a healthy interval in between."

"What are we waiting for then?" said HotDamn, sealing the deal. "Commence operation Shaking Hands."

A week ago, the experiment would had been rigorously debated and meticulously planned out. But the situation was different now. Even without the general's mannequin breathing down their necks, they could sense the project was drawing to a close as outside events threatened to overtake them.

They turned on the oscillator, which hadn't seen much use lately, dropped one of the jars inside, then popped it open using the remote fob that had been provided. The Alpha specimen, which the team still referred to as X-Bot out of habit, passively watched events unfold, stirring only to avoid the jar as it jounced and rolled to a stop.

Upon its release, Bravo made a tour of the bell and tested the buzzing walls. When the oscillator was cut off, it spent some time examining the lid. Reconnoitering complete, it walked up to Alpha and stared it straight in the eye. Alpha stared back. After a minute or so of staring, Bravo reached out a leg and curled it underneath Alpha until the bottom of its foot was pressed up against the other's anus-port. The two spiderbots remained locked in this position for several minutes until Bravo finally disengaged, at which point it sat motionless and would remain so for the rest of the evening.

"Fantastic," Doogie said. "Now we have two unresponsive specimens. I would say this experiment was a great success."

"Hold on," Hot Damn said. "Let's have another look at that part where they make eye contact. Something happened there."

"I've got it pulled up already." Mason put it on-jumbo and switched into slow-time.

"Look there!" HotDamn exclaimed. "See how the eyes are twitching. Similar to saccades except they're only moving between a few fixed positions. First Bravo twitches then he stops and X-Bot—I mean Alpha—starts twitching his eye in a similar way."

"Maybe it's something akin to Morse code," Skunkworks suggested. "Only instead of sound pulses, they're using rapid eye movements instead. But then they stop and switch over to direct contact. So maybe that's more efficient?"

The eye twitches could be a sort of handshake, Gabby suggested. Like how computers negotiate the protocols they'll use to talk to each other. Direct contact could appear threatening so it would be important to set the ground rules first.

"So maybe it went down something like this..." HotDamn switched into hip narrator mode. "First, Bravo tells Alpha, 'Hey, dude, how come you haven't busted out of this joint already? You ain't gonna sit around and let these two-eyed meatbags hold you prisoner, are you? 'And then Alpha says something like, 'Keep your voice down! You gotta whisper here, bro. You have no idea what these monsters are capable of. Give me your foot and we'll use our secret ninja signs.' And Bravo goes, 'Yeah, man, whatever you say.'"