Down the Rabbit Hole

Chapter 16: A Break Without Snow

*Jordyn POV*

"Oh honey, you need to tell her," Quinn said sympathetically. I shook my head and looked out the window to the small café. Quinn and I had gone out for brunch to talk. She was my best friend after all.

"I can't. You know how I get when he comes up," I sighed. "I haven't told Luca about my depression," I said quietly as I looked at my hands I heard Quinn sigh. I knew she was disappointed in me, but I couldn't help it. She wanted me to have an open and honest relationship with Luca, but all I did was lie to him and keep things from him.

"If the doctor prescribed you heavy antidepressants, I think it's time to tell your husband," she said. I shook my head.

"I asked him for a divorce," I practically whispered.

"You've got to be shitting me!" she squealed, earning the attention of practically everyone in the small café as she threw her hands up. "What has gotten into you? You need to tell him about the depression, you need to tell Hayden Annalea about her actual father, and you need to try and work this out with Luca. God, he's been there for you through everything. He sat back and let you be happy with another guy even though it was probably killing him inside. He tried to help you through Hayden's death. He gave you a place to stay when you needed it. He looked after you. He took in Hayden Annalea as his own daughter. If that doesn't say 'I love you and I'm willing to be with you no matter what' then I don't know what does. God, girls and women everywhere would kill for a love like that and you're sitting here worried about a dead person," she said. I cringed as tears filled my eyes.

"Can we stop talking about this... please," I begged as my tears finally fell. Quinn sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Jojo, I love you to death and I've been your friend for 22 years, but you've got to get your head out of your ass and look at the facts. Try to make it work with Luca before it's too late," she said, standing from her chair. She placed a few bills on the table to pay for her Chi tea latte before she left. I sighed and looked at my no longer steaming cup of green tea. I just stared at it until I saw someone sit in the seat across from me. I looked up to see Luca before I went to looking out the window.

"Jo, please talk to me," he begged quietly. I stayed quiet. He sighed. "I admit, I followed you here because I thought you were having an affair behind my back. I was kind of hoping for it, that way I would have a valid reason for you wanting a divorce." He admitted. I continued to watch the people bustling along the streets and sidewalks. Everyone was going somewhere. It felt like everyone could move forward with their lives except me. There was no closure for me; nothing to make everything okay. I admit, I leaned on Luca heavily and it helped, but I couldn't lean on Luca forever.

"I went to the doctor the other day," I said softly. "She diagnosed me with severe depression and PTSD. She said she didn't know how I lived with it for this long. I'm on antidepressants and she wants me to go see a therapist... and she wants us to go to couple's therapy as well," I said softly. I didn't want to tell Luca all of that, but Quinn was right: he didn't deserve how I treated him. I brought my eyes up to his to see that he was on the verge of tears.

"That was the first time you've talked to me in days," he breathed. The amount of joy and sorrow in his face made my heart squeeze for him. I was torturing him and I couldn't stop. I couldn't bring myself to love him the way he wanted me to. I couldn't bring myself to love anyone except Hayden Annalea and that made me sad. I wanted to love Lela and Luca, I just... I couldn't right now. I felt like a bad person, not loving my own daughter and husband. I felt like a bad mother. I looked back out the window and stayed quiet for a moment.

"I'm a bad person, aren't I?" I said hoarsely as tears fell from my eyes. Luca moved out of his seat and wrapped his arms around me.

"No, baby, no," he whispered as his hand rubbed my back. I turned into his chest and sobbed quietly. I didn't care that we were in a café in the middle of downtown San Diego; I found comfort in Luca like I always did. "You've just been through a lot and your body and brain are shutting off because of it. You're trying, and I know you're trying. And I'm not going to leave you ever because I love you and I always will," he said. I sobbed quietly before I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head into his chest.