LOVELY * JOBA

thirtyseven.

spring break came faster than anticipated. matt was packing his things and we were going to meet the boys to go get lunch afterwards.

"is tavia going? can i go?", i ask matt as i'm examining a pair of playboy logo boxers he owns. i'd like a pair of these for myself. as i hold them, contemplating stealing them from him, he snatches it from me and neatly folds them, putting them into the front pocket of his suitcase.

"uhh no", he scratches his head. "she has classes that she can't miss. it's fine, i'll be back yes soon and she won't be missing me.".

"of course she won't miss you. what do you think, she won't be able to survive without you? she'll be fine". matt rolls his eyes and finishes packing.

"you can't go. i'm not being responsible for you. besides it was hard enough trying to convince mom to let me go". he gets up and drags his suitcase outside. he goes into his room to grab a few things. he circles the room a couple time.

"shit.. umm", he looks around for his keys. "i'll be back, i just need to grab something from the store. i won't take long". the door slams behind him.

i sigh, not looking forward to spending the majority spring break alone. i grab a banana from the kitchen table and woefully eat it.

i guess i could hang out with harrison. i haven't seen a lot of him lately, especially since i've been spending most of my time with joba and my brother. i contemplate calling him, but he's probably busy. probably hanging out with Linda. they've become oddly close too. i don't mind it though. i know i'm not harrison's only friend but we've never been so distant before. the feeling is strange.

i could pick up something new? ciaran plays guitar, i could ask him to lend me one. he offered once to teach me and by the time joba gets back, i could show off a little bit of the skills i would learn... but that seems like an awful load of practice.

actually i might start going on runs again. it's nice out, the trees are blooming again.

i'll figure something out.

i'm in my thoughts as i'm eating my banana. i don't think i've been more than two days without seeing joba and trying to imagine what i'd do without him here is becoming difficult.

this is ridiculous. i need to stop worrying what i'll be when joba isn't here. i shouldn't depend on him to make me happy or keep me busy. i can find my own happiness.

a knock on the door interrupts me from my thoughts. i open the door expecting matt to be on the other side. instead there's a thin pink envelope  slipped under the welcome mat with my name written in fancy calligraphy on the front.

there's no title or return address on it. whoever knocked must have had to sprinted away. i stand in the doorway as i rip open the envelop.

inside are several polaroid films. i curiously start looking through them. i take my time looking at each print.

a pair of perky breasts take up the film space. every polaroid is the same and it's not until i make sense of it that i have the same black tapestry hung up in my room.

these are pictures i once took on my Macbook. i was gonna send them to joba but never got the confidence to. i rarely feel comfortable in my own skin but this was one of the times i was feeling good about myself. seeing these gave me the creeps.

i don't know who would send me these or how they could have gotten ahold of these pictures.

i gape, worried. i open the envelope wide and turn it upside down, shaking it. a polaroid falls out landing face down on the floor.

"billie!".

joba makes his way up the driveway. he smiles, "hey". i tuck the pictures back into the envelope and place it on the table disregarding it.

i don't want to tell joba about the pictures because i'm scared where they came from. someone has these pictures of me. it just makes me feel vulnerable.

he closes the door behind him. he places his hands on my shoulder and observes my countenance. "is everything okay ?".

"yea. matt will be here soon. i was just waiting for him.". i press my hands against the top of my hair. "ah. ok, i have to change. did you finish packing yet?". i say looking at him with dog eyes.

"uhh yea. all done. go change.". joba sits at the kitchen table and goes on his phone.

i make my way to the room. i turn back taking the envelope out of joba's sight. he looks at me with curiosity. i smile, avoiding his expression and resume to my room.

matt gets back shortly after. he's all ready to go so we head over to the restaurant kevin chose to meet at in joba's car.

everyone's there. i'm extremely excited for everyone. we each order our food and as we wait everyone talks nonstop about the trip. everyone's excited. i really do hope they find a place. it'd be so awesome to head to la and visit them once they're settled down.

"i want a pool!". shouts merlyn who smile, showing off his white teeth.

"and it better have a balcony that overlooks the beach.", says Dom. "i love waking up to a nice view and admire what god created for us. isn't it just breathtaking to know that we were given this opportunity to do the thing we love most. i mean we get a chance to make something that will reach so many people.".

kevin says,"that sounds great guys but i think we should look for something a little small. for now. just so it's doable for the time".

everyone is disappointed. i think they know that what they want is something that they can't afford at the moment, but who knows, maybe in the near future that will change for them. i hope so. it'd be impressive to see matt achieve his goals and pursue music as a career.

after a long wait, our food finally arrives.

not long after, everyone finishes. we each leave a small tip that adds up to be a good amount of money.

this is the part where it's time for me to be dropped off so that the guys can head back to romil's.

"bye matt. have fun, i won't miss your stinky ass". i say as i hug him tightly. he smiles and then ruins the moment by rubbing his fist on my hair, "i'll miss you too billie". i say bye to the boys wishing them luck.

joba takes me home. i don't say anything on the drive there. instead the radio is turned up and i mess around with my hands. hopefully there's no intuition that i'm acting strange. i adjust my posture and position myself to avoid peculiar body language.

joba turns to look at me a couple times with furrowed brows and a concerned expression. he pulls over on the side of the road and stops the car. "somethings wrong. i can't sense it.".

part of me wants to let joba in on the polaroids i was sent, but it's hard to come forward about it. if i tell him about them, i have to show them to him.

after a couple seconds, i gather my thoughts and take a deep breathe.

~~
**** thanks for all the reads!! this chapter kind of sucks****