Two Heartbeats on One Page

Chapter 34

Jordan was on day three of his recovery. The binder he'd had to wear had come off a few times, now, so Darcey could help clean him up and so it could be washed and the bandages changed, but Jordan had never actually seen himself without it.

Not until now.

Darcey stepped out for a few minutes to pick up food and Jordan needed to use the bathroom. He wanted to see himself, his new body.

It was hideous. He was disgusting. The most disgusting creature that ever lived.

The stitches were thick and black and ugly, like spiders' legs sewn into his skin, the tubes coming out of either side stained with off-yellow fluid and blood. The lines where the cuts were made were bright red underneath the black.

And he'd thought he was ugly before? Now he was a fucking monster.

He couldn't stop looking at himself, even though with every passing moment he felt worse and worse and more and more like he was going to throw up.

Vaguely, in the back of his head, he heard the hotel room door open and close. The door to the tiny bathroom was cracked, but Darcey knocked anyway. "Jordan? You okay?"

Jordan meant to say "Yeah" or "I think so" or maybe even "I don't know," but all that came out was a half sob that burned when it hit his lungs and pushed out against his chest. The pain of it knocked him forward and he had to grab the bathroom counter to steady himself.

And then Darcey was behind him, one hand on Jordan's hip and the other on his chin, gently tilting his head up to look at him.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" he asked gently. Jordan looked at him, scared, desperate, then back at the mirror, then sobbed again, because he had no words to describe himself. Darcey looked at Jordan's reflection, down at him again. His face was completely baffled and clearly he had no idea what was happening and Jordan loved him so much for it, for not seeing how ugly and disgusting he was.

"Jordan, what's wrong?" he repeated. His hand was tight on Jordan's hip as he tried to get him to turn around, but Jordan couldn't rip his eyes away from his reflection. "Did you rip a stitch? What's going on? Are you okay?"

Jordan lifted his hands, and somewhere in the back of his head something screamed not too high, not too high, but even if he wanted to throw them above his head, he couldn't. It hurt so much to barely lift them to shoulder level. His eyes darted over his reflection again, up at Darcey's, and his hands dropped back to the counter and he lowered his head. He sprang back too hard when he leaned his weight against his arms because oh god the stretching against his chest and sides hurt, and he stumbled backward into Darcey. When he lost his footing Darcey was finally able to turn him around and get him to look away from his reflection for the first time.

"Jordan, talk to me." Darcey had to fight to keep his voice calm, but it was still too high pitched and his words came too fast. Jordan knew he needed to explain but he couldn't. His voice was stuck. He opened his mouth to at least try but all that came out was a wheezing sob. Darcey's hand tightened on his shoulder and the other gently nudged Jordan's chin up so he could look at his face.

"What's going on?" he asked again, firmer this time. His eyes darted over Jordan's face, down to his chest, checking for any damage, any problems, but he didn't see it. How didn't he see it?

Finally, Jordan brought his hand to his face, covering his eyes, and murmured, so softly that Darcey barely heard him, "I'm disgusting." He took in a deep, shuddering breath and continued a little louder, "I thought I was ugly before, but just, look at me, Darcey."

"I don't understand," he said softly. He gently tugged Jordan's hand away from his eyes, curling his fingers around it. "What don't you like? Is there something wrong with the sculpting? I don't... I think you look great. Do you want to go back and get a revision once you've healed up? Because that's covered in the initial cost, remember?"