i'm still a piece of garbage!!!
y'all. i don't even remember my last life update, besides the stupid halloween stuff
y'all should know by now that i only come on here when i'm #DEPRESSED so that's lit
have we talked about my crush yet? let's talk about my crush :)
he has a girlfriend which is upsetting but also i respect that. he's super funny and cute and TODAY...
...
sis.
today he wore one of those tight athletic long sleeves and grey pants, which i swear he wears those grey pants every ducking day but it's ok i still love him
but the shirt he was wearing was white, which made him look MORE BUFF THAN HE REALLY IS
i'm so sorry u didn't need to know any of that or my feelings about it but i also dOnT cArE teehee
he's just ... he makes me happy whoops
anyways in other news i still hate my mom, how lovely
my birthday just passed and i'm 17 now
and school is stressing me out!!!!!!!!
also i drive now, which is significant in this life update because i wanted to kill myself today!!!!!!!!
but the fact that i thought about it made me sad and i cried while driving on my way home
like. that's the easiest way i could do it, right? i'm by myself, no family members around, it's my car (technically it's my stepmoms car but i'm the one driving it so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
but i was just........ why do i wanna do that, other than the fact that my mom left, my sisters are pains, i feel like i'm not good enough (cliche right?), my grades are THE WORST they've EVER BEEN, i'm fat & ugly, i will never be successful, and i just overall hAtE mY LiFe!!!!!!!🎉🎉🎊🎁😃
but OBVIOUSLY i didn't want to actually kill myself....... obviously.....
so i was telling myself; what about the things u havent done yet?????!!!!!
i've never had my first kiss, i havent finished my netflix shoes and wouldn't be able to see how they end, the Marvel movies aren't done, i've never had sex, i've never dated anyone, i haven't graduated yet, ive never been to the Loop, i haven't had my first job yet, there's lots of books i still wanna read and haven't gotten around to it, i haven't gotten my first tattoo, and so many other things i haven't done yet!!!
and if i die now i'll never give myself the chance to do said things!
right?
idk.
i also care about my parents too much. our uncle is in the hospital w cancer but i believe he's going to be released soon. i don't want to bother them more with payments on my death and their car. i'm already kinda a burden on them i don't want me being gone to make it worse, u kno?
also i just watched the trailer for On My Block season 2 and i pretty much cried and it made me depressed so that kinda explains some stuff but ofc idk why i felt the need to crash my car into the nearest thing lol that'd just hurt way too much
or i can hurt myself enough to be in the hospital so i don't have to do school stuff and it'll show my parents that, yes, i am depressed and, no, i don't want to talk about it so ur going to have to figure it out urself!
and i think they see it because recently my dad has been saying "hey i love you and i'm so proud of you" but i don't really see where he's coming from w all that
but let's be honest i'm only still alive so i can see how Avengers: End Game goes oops
anyway that's all for today see u in another 8 months
