Now being able to cry, it was a hugelife changer, but it wouldn't really help after a while once I got into high school. One of the reasons that I didn't think about at the time Were the other boys.
Now, I try not to involve myself into anything political, mostly because I think it can be "messy" sometimes and people unwilling to compromise. I can be considered apathetic because of this, but I really don't care. The reason I say this is because I've started to see how toxic masculinity really does effect boys, and especially teenagers.
Being in a small town, the only things that a you can really do and partake in is sports, as the countryside can be your field and personal sandlot. I might as well be considered lucky that there was a band program, but other than that, sports are praised and encouraged more than anything. To the point where a sort of social status is acquired by being athletic. I don't have any problems with athletes, but the problem arises when athletes use their activities to fuel their ego. Because of this, a sort of "quota" must be met by all boys: either become athletic in a sport, or be different. Be a part of the boys, or don't bother trying to fit in.
So with this being said, I now felt this peer pressure to be like these boys, but I always resisted in some way or another. But even then, things like crying or being affection was considered as "gay." I know my sexuality, and I consider myself as someone who swings both ways, but there is nothing wrong with someone showing affection to their friend. A bro hug, a pat on the back, and good "hell yeah you did great" sort of praise, but that's usually considered as unmasculine.
Another behavior these boys have is the need to flaunt and brag about their "love lives," if it should be even called a love life. Many times I always hear how some big shot jock has fucked some freshman girl and broke her hip bones or whatever, or how he cheated on some other freshman. And these things have me thinking, are they doing this to prove their masculinity and suppress any insecurities, hiding them from their fellow piers? Or is it just the desire for power over the young girls who don't even know the concept of what love is, forever giving them a horrible delusion of what love is? It's these sort of behaviors that toxic masculinity has cause. All just to hide insecurities.
So you may ask, "how have you made it this far living like that?" And all I did was find the right people tl befriend. My friends don't care about even acting gay, of course we respect our boundaries, but hugs here and there are always appreciated. We've stuck together for a long while, and its to the point where even the athletics are interested by my group, and I think that's a huge achievement if anything, even if it doesn't change their behaviors.
The greatest thing I've learned about boys and men in general, is that we are incredibly susceptible to group think and group mentality. If we see some guy flaunting his wealth and a lot of boys think he's cool, then most of us will think he's cool as well. If we see someone do something stupid, we join in, and mlst notably, if another guy thinks doing a certain thing will seem unmasculine, no other boy will dare to try it.
This, I think, is the true test of character in any boy's high school years. Succumb to the group, or find your own way through this world. Whatever the case, it's hard not to be heavily influenced.
As I get near graduation, I notice that my group has started interacting with the athletics, exchanging these sort of minor "behaviors" while each group still keeps to their own. I think this is very interesting, as if the other group's interest comes from that natural magnetic pull of group think.
So maybe it won't be so be next year, but I'd rather not say anything.
