headspace: a collection of short stories & prose

309

I stared blankly at the white, textured ceiling. My lips mouthed the same thing over and over again, asking God why it had all gone wrong.

Room 309 of the Jasmine Hotel was dark. The Jasmine Hotel, left of Buckley Road, near the old mall.
The light of the alarm clock's bright green "1:37 AM" illuminated a small fraction of the room. Another part was lit by the city lights that seeped in through the edges of the closed faded blue curtains.
The world was relatively quiet around me, besides the sound of cars speeding by in the distance. I didn't feel the urge to sleep, nor to move around, nor to do anything at all. I just lay still on the stiff mattress, wearing that one stupid old t-shirt, silent in thought. I just couldn't seem to work through the complex pool of emotions that had saturated my brain. Confusion meets loneliness, meets nostalgia, meets regret, meets heartbreak.

See, this was the same room that I had been in just over a year ago. The same firm mattress with the same blue-patterned bedding. The same large window facing the street, and the same low ceiling. But this time, however, room 309 lacked the only thing that had brightened its space: Seth.

I remember that July night clearly. When he picked me up, Seth was wearing jeans and the t-shirt he bought at the bar he had managed to sneak into on his 19th birthday. That paired with his smile, he looked incredible. Magnetic.
A good portion of the night consisted of a long drive in his Ford. There was never any awkward silence when it was just him and I. It was an endless series of shit talk, Seth's eye roll-worthy jokes, and singing along to the early 2000s on the radio. Only what would be expected of two careless teenagers in the summer.

Seth took the Ford downtown, and up and down every street as we were lost in lighthearted conversation. By nine o'clock, when the last peak of the orange July sun had disappeared, we were eating fast food burgers on a bench at the park downtown. I remember Seth's chuckle as he pointed out a couple of ducks in the pond who were enjoying an evening swim. We tossed them a few pieces of bread from our burgers, still rambling on about our all-too-average lives.
When the park was closing at ten, we dragged out our walk back to the car. Looking into Seth's eyes, I knew he was thinking the same thing as me. Neither of us wanted to return to a mundane night at home.
As he started the car, a thoughtful smile grew across Seth's face. I could practically see the glow of the lightbulb above his head.

Minutes later, we were pulling into the semi-crowded lot of the Jasmine Hotel. I noticed the variety of license plates on the cars parked around us, indicating the tourists staying here for their summer vacations. Inside of the Jasmine, the lobby was nearly empty besides a man reading a magazine and the woman working the check-in. Her expression remained blank and tired as she checked us in and handed Seth a keycard for room 309, which she pointed out was on the third floor.
The elevator ride was our first silent moment of the night. Once we settled into our room, however, Seth grinned that enchanting smile. Its effect on me was like nothing else, a feeling that nobody else could ever give me.
We took some time to explore the small, dingy hotel room. I playfully bounced on the bed, and laughed at Seth's excitement over the free tiny toiletries that were in the bathroom. He turned on the little stereo, which was set on a station that was playing oldies. I rolled over on the blue duvet in laughter as Seth began dramatically lip syncing along to the Elvis song.
He finally joined me on the bed, and we lay side by side on our backs over the covers. We talked about pointless shit, laughing here and there, as we gazed up at the low ceiling. Seth mentioned that I could take the bed and he could sleep on the small couch for the night, but I waved him off. I reminded him that he was my best friend and I didn't mind sharing the room's lone bed.
"Well, okay, if you're good with that. But if I start snoring or something, just kick me."
I laughed.

Seth poked my arm suddenly, and pointed towards the curtains that were obscuring the door out to the little balcony. He jumped up and pulled them aside before unlocking the door.
"C'mon, let's go out here!"
I followed after him, and the summer air was warm and inviting on the balcony. Below us, cars traveled back and forth across the dark street. Other buildings stood across from us, some of the windows lit up and others dark. Seth clutched onto the railing as his sparkling gaze moved from the street up to the night sky. We were silent again.
I remember the cars becoming a blur as I watched them whizzing past. My thoughts were all on Seth, and how meaningful this simple night felt to me.
When I turned and saw him staring at me, his smile soft and his eyes gleaming, I knew I loved him.
My breath stopped when his arm snaked around my waist. His eyes were locked on mine, and somehow my arms had ended up on his shoulders. The next thing I knew, Seth was kissing me. He was kissing me for the first time since that silly game of truth or dare back in the eighth grade.
But the thing is, that first kiss had been quick, insignificant, stupid. This time, the kiss was slow and emotional. It was like I was tasting every one of his feelings and hopes and fears.
When his grip on my waist tightened and pulled me closer, the kiss picked up. It became needy, and passionate, and addictively delicious.
Seth smiled briefly into the kiss, his hands hands taking a moment to run up and down my body before they urged me back through the doorway. He only paused a moment to close the door behind us before his lips were firmly back on mine.
I laughed softly as he gently pushed me back onto the bed, and proceeded kissing my lips and neck. When he looked down into my eyes, I was sure he could see how I felt about him. How I needed him.
"I love you, Catrina. If you couldn't tell." He gave me a half smile and kissed my neck again, more force added this time.
"I love you too, Seth," I nearly gasped.

The feeling of waking up on Seth's chest the next morning was one I'll never forget. First thing that sunny morning, I felt nothing but love for this boy, who was still sleeping peacefully. That perfect night was followed by a perfect morning, from blushing all over again as we woke up in each other's arms, to laughing over a meal from the ample breakfast bar. When we finally made it home, he gave me the bar t-shirt to keep.

I didn't want to ever let go of any of it. But here I was now, all of it gone.
A few months after that night, everything had gone wrong thanks to me. When Seth left to finish his studies abroad in Europe, we were not on good terms. And we haven't talked since.
So I lay there alone, in the same room where everything had changed between Seth and I just over a year ago. That room, where true feelings came to the surface, and Seth took a part of me that he would always carry.
I missed him. I missed him so much, and I felt as if there was nothing I could do about it.
I stared at the blue curtains that hid the balcony, and sighed. He was the one that got away.