Like A Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 2

Hello! This story was supposed to be a one-chapter story but since a few of you asked me to keep writing this, here I am. I hope you like it!

It's been a week since I woke up from the coma and I still feel kind of dull, as if I have an oppressing weight on my chest. It's like I'm trapped in a nightmare and even if I want to run I can only see my body moving in slow motion. It's probably due to all the pain killers and sedatives they're giving me but there's a part of me that just knows it isn't only that. I'm going to be trapped in this hospital for another week and I'm dreading every second of this. I broke my leg during the car crash and, despite the pills, it still hurts like a bastard. The nurses are either overly sweet or absolute bitches and I really can't stand them.

- Jonathan, it's time for your appointment with Dr. Collins. Are you ready? - says Mandy in her annoyingly sweet voice.

If it wasn't bad enough as it is, I also have to see an analyst because my mother thinks the car crash was a suicide attempt. The doctor is actually nice, she isn't really forcing me to answer any of her questions but I hate having to go and see her.

- Yeah, I'm ready. -

Mandy helps me out of bed and hands me my crutches. Most of the bruises and cuts are almost healed so now moving doesn't hurt that much, despite the broken leg.

She walks beside me and we slowly go towards the elevator while I ignore every one of her attempts to start a conversation. I'm probably being pretty rude but I'm really not in the mood for casual chatting, especially not with her.

When we get to Dr. Collins' studio, she knocks on the door and opens it for me when we hear a soft "come in". As soon as I'm in, the door closes behind me and I start to walk towards the couch.

- Hello, Jonathan. How are you doing today? -

- I'm fine. - I mumble while sitting down.

- That's good. I see the black eye has finally healed. How is your leg? -

- It still hurts a bit but it's getting better. - I lie. I don't like people pitying me and I don't want her to give me more pills. I hate taking medicines.

- That's very good news, I'm glad you're getting better so fast. - she smiles brightly - Is there anything you want to talk about today? Are you ready to tell me about what you felt during the coma yet? –

I don't want to tell her anything. I should have told her I didn't see anything but when I woke up I was still upset about what happened with Ryan and I hesitated to answer her. So now she keeps questioning me about it. I won't break, though.

- Just nothing. -

- I don't think it was just nothing, I saw you right after you woke up, it definitely wasn't nothing, I could see it written on your face. -

- I just don't want to talk about it, okay?! - I raise my voice and turn my hands into fists without even noticing.

- Is this about Ryan? -

- How do you know about Ryan? - her question startled me, I never told her anything of him, I never even mentioned him. I stare at her with wide eyes and she smiles subtly. She thinks she's already won.

- Well Jonathan, since you've been kind of hostile since day one I decided to ask your mother after our first session. I wanted to know more about your dead friend. Your mother's a very sweet lady, she cares a lot about you so don't get mad over her talking to me, please. –

- What did she tell you? – I keep my gaze low, I really don't want to talk about him but I need to know what she can use against me.

- Just that you were really close friends and that his suicide literally destroyed you. –

She's probably omitting lots of things. When my mother starts talking she keeps going for hours. I'm sure she told her his entire life story from birth to death. I don't think I can trust her, I'll just keep avoiding her eyes for the remaining thirty minutes of this session without saying a word.

- You know, talking about it could really help you a lot. I understand you're still quite shocked about what happened but sharing the weight you're keeping on your shoulders with someone will make you feel so much better. –

No way I'm going to tell her anything, I just need to think and figure it out myself. I don't need anyone's help.

- I won't tell anyone about what we talk about, not even your mother. You know this, right? –

I nod and keep silent. When is she going to take the hint I don't want to talk to anyone at all?

- Nice, I see we're playing the quiet game now. –

Gosh, why don't you shut up already? The voice inside my head really wants to scream into her face, she's so annoying today. I just don't want to talk, it's not that hard to get. She's an analyst, she should get this kind of things and act accordingly. I swear if she says another single word I'm going to get the hell out of here.

As I keep my eyes on the lowest shelf of her bookcase, I listen to the wall-clock ticking time away and soon I get lost into the sound. Many people get annoyed by these kinds of small noises but I actually find them kind of comforting, like sorts of lullabies. The ticking is so soft and yet so definite, the sound itself keeps reminding me of the time that's slipping through my fingers and I think I like it. I like being aware of the passing of time, maybe it's because I don't really want to be in this world and just like at school I'm waiting for the bell to ring. Or maybe what I'm waiting for is the coming of a better season of my life. I don't think it's the latter, though.

- Today's session is almost over, you can go if you want to. I hope you'll be in a better mood next time, Jonathan. –

She interrupts my train of thoughts and startles me a little, I didn't realize I had zoned out for so long. Her voice sounded kind of tired but there was something else to it, I can't pinpoint it yet though.

I get up and slowly walk to the door supported by my crutches, I open it and mutter a soft 'bye' before closing it behind me. While the nurse escorts me back to my room I let my mind go back to the few words I exchanged with Dr. Collins. I have to admit I've been kind of an asshole but she shouldn't have asked about Ryan so abruptly. At least she got the hint and shut up for the rest of the session, I still wonder what was in her voice when she dismissed me, though.

- Here we are, sweetie. You should get some rest now, I'll bring you lunch in about an hour. Don't wander around, okay? –

I nod and she leaves with a big smile on her face. I wonder how she can always be so happy in a place like this. Even if she's faking it, which she probably is, I wouldn't last a day living like that. Ryan would have loved her. He said people like her bring joy into life cause their happiness is contagious. God, I miss him so much. I wish I could talk to him again just like I did in the car, even if I'm not even sure that was real. I should have stayed with him, how could I leave him? How did he persuade me to leave him?

Maybe I should really get some rest, I'm starting to overthink again. I'll think more straightly after some sleep.

Stay alive ||-//