Growing Up Depressed in the Regan Years

March 5-11, 1984

Monday March 5th 1984 7:55 a.m.

I am in homeroom. Last night I met another girl goes to my church. She seems really nice. She likes to sing too, so maybe we can get together sometime. She does not go to my school. She goes to a Christian School.

my contacts are really bugging me. I'm going to have to take them out. after homeroom, I'm going to the nurse's office to take them out. I really hate my glasses though.

12:24 p.m. same day

Study hall. Spent 3rd period writing Battlestar Galactica. Mike wasn't at church last night. I don't know where he was.

Today hasn't been a good day. English teacher gave us a test on a story which I forgot to read. Then I left an assignment at home. Not good.

2:23 p.m. same day

I am in social studies now. I failed that stupid chemistry test. I knew I would. I passed the social studies test with 73% and got a B on my essay.

I'm kind of depressed today. It is snowing really hard outside. If it had snowed really early, like 3 or 4 AM, school would have been closed.

I have an appointment with my counselor Wednesday. I wish it was today or tomorrow. I hope mom works today so I can have time alone before Melinda gets home.

Bell's going to ring. I've got to get my junk together, so I'll continue when I get home.

7:29 p.m. same day

I am really depressed today. Actually, I've been depressed since Thanksgiving. only lately I've been okay because I've been watching Battlestar Galactica and writing it. I just found out it won't be on after this week. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it has been the only thing keeping me sane. I'm serious about this. I am glad I'm already in counseling. Today I was sitting in school and actually felt as if I was going crazy. I felt as if I was all alone and nobody cared. I still do. The only one who understands is Patty, and she's working. She'll be home after 4 tomorrow. That's not good today. I need somebody now. I feel like going out and drinking enough, so I don't feel anything anymore. Who cares if I do it anyway? nobody. That's who.

I see my counselor Wednesday but I just can't tell her these things. I can't tell her that I feel like drinking all night, then swallowing enough pills till I can't think, and then throwing myself in front of a truck. I really don't want to die. I only want someone to tell me it's all going to be okay.

in my story, I can't even let Denyse have that. She doesn't trust anybody. She can't trust anybody. She is hurting so deeply inside. I don't think I can finish that story now because I can't let her feel any pleasure. If I wrote any more tonight, she'd probably commit suicide or die in battle or something like that. Sometimes I wish I could really be like Starbuck - reckless, daring, gambling, taking risks, and having all kinds of people around who love him.

the only people I'm surrounded by are always around when they need help, but when I need help, forget it. I've had it. I'm tired of being used. How come nobody is ever there for me when I need them? My life is always been like a rollercoaster. Every time something good comes along, it fades away just as quickly. I'm sick of it. Why can't anything ever last? It's times like these that I think about moving out, far away, changing my whole identity, meeting new people, etc. I would for once, like to meet someone who would love me and I could love them back. I'm not referring to a romantic situation. I'm referring to a friendship. A deep friendship. Someone I could share things with, laugh with, and cry with. The more days past, the more I feel alone and worse, lonely.

I'm not really alone. I have people around me all the time, just nobody I really, extra specially care about. Why do I have to feel so lonely all the time? Why do people not realize how I feel? I tell them as clearly as I can without having them think I'm crazy.