You Had ONE Job

One

Shinra sat in his living room. He was contemplating the meaning of life, as one does. His good friend ol' pal Shizuo Heiwajima had been extremely irritated over the past few days. This wasn't your usual irritated Shizuo, no, this was a lean green fighting machine on steroids Shizuo. He'd gotten way more injuries in the past week then he had in the past month. Shinra was concerned, as well as fuckin annoyed this asshole didn't go to any real doctors.

How should he get Shizuo back to normal? How does one get Shizuo back to normal? What is normal for Shizuo? Maybe this was his normal; Shinra just hadn't noticed before. Everything was so complicated. Shizuo himself wasn't normal so the solution to this issue wasn't to get him back to normal...it was to get Shizuo to be more normal. But, how? The underground doctor kept thinking and thinking but the idea just wouldn't form. 

Then suddenly, a knock. A magical knock on his door that would change the course of history forever. It would grant him the holiest of ideas, (not instantly but still...it would eventually). Shinra opened the door and groaned. "I know you have anger issues but this is excessive."

Shizuo stood there covered in blood from head to toe. The amount was far too much. He looked a bit apologetic, but no amount of apologies was going to change the fact that he was still here. "I'm sorry to keep bothering you. You're the only doctor I know though," Shizuo said. Shinra sighed. He allowed the fake blonde into his apartment, but his mind was still trying to formulate ideas. He sighed again. Shizuo came by everyday with more and more injuries, if Celty were here she would beat him into shape. Celty! A girlfriend! That's what Shizuo needed!

"When was the last time you had a girlfriend?" Shinra inquired. Shizuo looked puzzled. This question was a bit out of nowhere. It's not like Shizuo didn't have the change to get a girlfriend before. There were people that liked him enough to ask him out. He just wasn't interested. Well, no, that was a lie, he was interested but he was too afraid of his superhuman strength to date anyone. How would a girl like a monster like him? It didn't seem real, so he refused every time. 

"I've never had a girlfriend."

Shinra was dumbstruck. Never?  No wonder he was so pent up with anger (among other things). Shinra shook his head and sighed. For shame. He was half tempted to send Shizuo off into the red-light district but he knew Shizuo wasn't the type to go there. He wouldn't have this problem in the first place if he was. Wait a minute.

"When was the last time you released your sperm into the world?" Shinra asked, innocently curious.

"What?"

"Let off a load?" Shizuo still looked confused.

"When was the last time you jacked off, you dumb fuck," Shinra mentally facepalmed. 

"Is it really necessary for you to know that?" Shizuo cringed. 

"Ah ha!" Shinra pointed at Shizuo's crotch. "That reluctant answer was enough to tell me your dick has needs! You haven't gotten laid in far too long! We have to change that, right now, go out into the world and find yourself a woman!" Shinra quickly patched Shizuo up and pushed him out the door. He wasn't joking. Shizuo seriously needed to get out more and stop fighting all of the time. What Shinra didn't realize is that Shizuo was already in-love with a certain someone. A certain know-it-all information broker. That's right folks, our boy Shizuo is just a big ol' tsundere. He recently found out about his feelings and it has been putting him on edge. Thus, it was because of love that he had been so out of hand. 

"Or a guy, or whatever you're into for that matter," Shinra continued. "But you have to have sex, no ifs ands or buts, unless you like butts. What the fuck am I saying? What the fuck are you making me say? Get the hell out of my house and go on a date you pent up bastard," Shinra opened the door and gestured for Shizuo to leave. He didn't have to be told twice. 

"I don't think this is really a good idea," Shizuo made his way out the door. Shinra wasn't going to accept no for an answer. 

"No isn't an option," he said. His tone was one a mother would have when scolding her child. "You're going to get fucked and you're going to like it," he pointed at Shizuo and closed the door, making sure to slam it for emphasis. 

Shinra immediately opened the door and dragged Shizuo back in. Here it was. Here was his big idea. The moment of the century. The hallelujah epiphany. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number, you know the one.

"Hello? Izaya? Yes, this is Shinra, I need your help with something," Shinra spoke and Shizuo overheard. Shizuo didn't hear the rest of the conversation completely. His heart rate increased. His mind overflowing with a bundle of emotions. Izaya? Did he just say Izaya? He did, didn't he? Shit. Shit fucking shit. Shinra seriously just called up Shizuo's crush to get him to find someone else? Shizuo questioned all of his life's choices up until that moment. 

Shinra hung up and smirked deviously. "Take a seat on the couch, I'm not letting you leave until he arrives."

"Why should I?" Shizuo crossed his arms. Shinra continued smiling, he grabbed the collar of Shizuo's face and brought it closer to his. He glared. 

"Because I'm a fucking underground doctor, you shithead. I patched you up so many times the least you can do is go along with my plan. Or, would you rather I break every damn bone in your body whilst naming them. Try getting out of my apartment with broken legs." Shinra released Shizuo and smiled wholeheartedly. "Understand?"

"Under-fucking-stood." 

"Perfect," Shinra led the way to the couch. "Now take a seat."